Sunday, May 18, 2014
Welcome. If you are here because you have lost a child, Im so sorry. This blog is a documentation of my grief journey after the loss of our son at 38 weeks pregnant. I started writing here just 6 months after our loss and continued until 3 years after our loss. Within this blog is my heart; torn, broken, and shattered by death. There is also hope; hope that there is life after loss. All the posts are archived on the side, so please read through them at your own pace. Thank you for reading and if you would like to visit my current blog where I write about all things, not just loss, please visit sacred hearts simple lives. You can also visit our ministry website immaculatehope.org for information about upcoming healing retreats.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
3 Years
As I sit down to write this I can hear our noisy 2 year old singing herself to sleep to the tune of "E-I--E-I-O." 3 years ago I could only hope to hear noise from a live child coming out of the nursery. So much has happened in 3 years and so much has stayed the same.
We've survived. In those early days and weeks that is all I hoped for-that we would survive this, that our marriage would survive this. 3 years later here we are, standing stronger but still wounded. That hasn't changed, its healed to some extent but the scar will always be there.
In 3 years we have met so many baby loss families each with their own heartbreaking story. I remember how reluctant I was to join the "baby loss" community right after Caleb died. These people weren't my friends! I had friends already and I was supposed to be going to moms groups with them and watching our kids grow together. Instead I sat around tables with strangers of all ages and backgrounds and we cried. What started off small has bloomed into close friendships. Loss is so universal and after going through it I found that I instinctively knew the language for it. Part of me knows that's why we are trying to create the ministry Immaculate Hope. The baby loss community has become "my people" and being around grievers makes me feel at home.
3 years ago I had no idea what the future would hold. I was so scared. I learned to trust God in a way I never thought I would be able to. And it was a blind trust and it wasn't all at the same time. Because God cried with me and He still walks with me in the Valley of Death. 3 years ago I had hoped for answers. 3 years later I've learned that even if I had all the answers I'd still miss Caleb just as much.
I'm so different. Part of that being different is the fact that I don't know who I am most days, but that's alright. I'm comfortable feeling lost and confused and not sure of life. The old me had to control things and have lists-I'd like to think that the new me is more flexible and not so hung up on "doing the right thing." Because if there is anything I've learned it's that sometimes you can do everything right and the world still turns upside down on you. Life isn't fair-good person or not- it can still sucker punch you when you least expect it. That knowledge makes me yearn for Heaven. Heaven is a real place now and I'm ashamed to say that even before as a Christian I don't think I really wanted to go to Heaven all that much. Sure, maybe at the very end of life, but life was great! Now it's so different with my first born being in Heaven. I feel like a part of my heart is not with me and so much of me won't be complete until we are reunited.
3 years. I really cannot fathom that I've lived 3 whole years without our son. Sometimes it still feels like a bad dream. I wonder often how I'll carry this grief and what it will look like at 10 years, 20 years, 50 years? Does it ever go away? Not sure, but part of me hopes it doesn't. Grief is love. The sadness, sorrow, rage, anger, agony, and despair I felt when Caleb died were all born out of intense love. To grieve him is to love him, and that is something I will do every day of my life, just like I'll love Abigail and any other children we have every day of my life.
I'm sad to close this space up, but I know its time. What's left to say has already been said. At 3 years I'm more focused on the living we are doing instead of the grieving. This space has been so healing for me. It's been a place to connect to other moms and families going through loss. It's been a place to sort out my emotions and document them along the way. It's been a place where I could grieve out loud. Thank you for listening, for following, for praying. You can continue to follow me onto my next blog journey Sacred Hearts, Simple Lives where I'll blog about common everyday life things.
3 years. Caleb, I had no idea 3 years ago that I had this much love for you in me. I never thought I would lose you and I never thought it would hurt this much. You've changed me forever. I'll close with the scripture verse we chose for your tombstone. It offers me hope on all days and can hopefully offer others hope as well.
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You have faith in God, have faith also in Me"John 14:1
We've survived. In those early days and weeks that is all I hoped for-that we would survive this, that our marriage would survive this. 3 years later here we are, standing stronger but still wounded. That hasn't changed, its healed to some extent but the scar will always be there.
In 3 years we have met so many baby loss families each with their own heartbreaking story. I remember how reluctant I was to join the "baby loss" community right after Caleb died. These people weren't my friends! I had friends already and I was supposed to be going to moms groups with them and watching our kids grow together. Instead I sat around tables with strangers of all ages and backgrounds and we cried. What started off small has bloomed into close friendships. Loss is so universal and after going through it I found that I instinctively knew the language for it. Part of me knows that's why we are trying to create the ministry Immaculate Hope. The baby loss community has become "my people" and being around grievers makes me feel at home.
3 years ago I had no idea what the future would hold. I was so scared. I learned to trust God in a way I never thought I would be able to. And it was a blind trust and it wasn't all at the same time. Because God cried with me and He still walks with me in the Valley of Death. 3 years ago I had hoped for answers. 3 years later I've learned that even if I had all the answers I'd still miss Caleb just as much.
I'm so different. Part of that being different is the fact that I don't know who I am most days, but that's alright. I'm comfortable feeling lost and confused and not sure of life. The old me had to control things and have lists-I'd like to think that the new me is more flexible and not so hung up on "doing the right thing." Because if there is anything I've learned it's that sometimes you can do everything right and the world still turns upside down on you. Life isn't fair-good person or not- it can still sucker punch you when you least expect it. That knowledge makes me yearn for Heaven. Heaven is a real place now and I'm ashamed to say that even before as a Christian I don't think I really wanted to go to Heaven all that much. Sure, maybe at the very end of life, but life was great! Now it's so different with my first born being in Heaven. I feel like a part of my heart is not with me and so much of me won't be complete until we are reunited.
3 years. I really cannot fathom that I've lived 3 whole years without our son. Sometimes it still feels like a bad dream. I wonder often how I'll carry this grief and what it will look like at 10 years, 20 years, 50 years? Does it ever go away? Not sure, but part of me hopes it doesn't. Grief is love. The sadness, sorrow, rage, anger, agony, and despair I felt when Caleb died were all born out of intense love. To grieve him is to love him, and that is something I will do every day of my life, just like I'll love Abigail and any other children we have every day of my life.
I'm sad to close this space up, but I know its time. What's left to say has already been said. At 3 years I'm more focused on the living we are doing instead of the grieving. This space has been so healing for me. It's been a place to connect to other moms and families going through loss. It's been a place to sort out my emotions and document them along the way. It's been a place where I could grieve out loud. Thank you for listening, for following, for praying. You can continue to follow me onto my next blog journey Sacred Hearts, Simple Lives where I'll blog about common everyday life things.
3 years. Caleb, I had no idea 3 years ago that I had this much love for you in me. I never thought I would lose you and I never thought it would hurt this much. You've changed me forever. I'll close with the scripture verse we chose for your tombstone. It offers me hope on all days and can hopefully offer others hope as well.
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You have faith in God, have faith also in Me"John 14:1
I love you sweet boy, today, tomorrow, and forever.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Now that I know
Sweet Caleb,
Now that I know what a birthday looks like for a living child, I'm sorry that I won't be able to give you that. Now that I know how your sister's face lit up when we told her we were going to Jumping Jax for her birthday, I just can't bring myself to plan anything for you. Now that I know what seeing a live child tear through presents and dive into their cake looks like, I know you will never do that.
Because Caleb, you are so different. You are our child that doesn't need birthday cake or presents or anything, anything. That's so hard for me as your mom. For your last two birthday's I've tried to make them seem like actual birthday celebrations. But now I realize that even if we have the perfect birthday for you, you will always be missing. Anything we plan will seem hollow because you won't be here to receive it.
Now that I know what actual kid birthdays are like, we are going to do your birthday different. Sweet boy know that on your birthday, and the days and months leading up to it, your dad and I will be remembering everything about you. We'll remember the precious 38 weeks and 4 days that we had you here with us. We'll remember our long drives to and from birthing class where we shared so many of our hopes for you. We'll remember the day we found out you were a boy and how happy we were. And of course we will remember those sacred 3 hours where we got to hold you, memorize your tiny body, love on you, and pray together as a family with you in our arms.
Now that I know what celebrating a birthday with a live child is like, I cannot celebrate your birthday. I cannot bring myself to be happy about April 16th. That day, along with the 14th, are the two worst days of my life because I had to say goodbye to you. Oh I know its not for forever, but it is for the next 10 years, 20 years, 60 years? That thought overwhelms me and leaves me with deep sadness.
So this year, my little guy, forgive me because I cannot celebrate your birthday tomorrow. This year we will remember you, we will pray with you, and we will miss you but celebrate is just something I can't do this year.
Now that I know what we've been missing out on, it leaves a hollowed out place in my heart for you. One day we will all celebrate together sweet child, one day. Until then please understand that this year I cannot celebrate your birthday like a typical kids birthday, but I can remember you and love you.
Now that I know what a birthday looks like for a living child, I'm sorry that I won't be able to give you that. Now that I know how your sister's face lit up when we told her we were going to Jumping Jax for her birthday, I just can't bring myself to plan anything for you. Now that I know what seeing a live child tear through presents and dive into their cake looks like, I know you will never do that.
Because Caleb, you are so different. You are our child that doesn't need birthday cake or presents or anything, anything. That's so hard for me as your mom. For your last two birthday's I've tried to make them seem like actual birthday celebrations. But now I realize that even if we have the perfect birthday for you, you will always be missing. Anything we plan will seem hollow because you won't be here to receive it.
Now that I know what actual kid birthdays are like, we are going to do your birthday different. Sweet boy know that on your birthday, and the days and months leading up to it, your dad and I will be remembering everything about you. We'll remember the precious 38 weeks and 4 days that we had you here with us. We'll remember our long drives to and from birthing class where we shared so many of our hopes for you. We'll remember the day we found out you were a boy and how happy we were. And of course we will remember those sacred 3 hours where we got to hold you, memorize your tiny body, love on you, and pray together as a family with you in our arms.
Now that I know what celebrating a birthday with a live child is like, I cannot celebrate your birthday. I cannot bring myself to be happy about April 16th. That day, along with the 14th, are the two worst days of my life because I had to say goodbye to you. Oh I know its not for forever, but it is for the next 10 years, 20 years, 60 years? That thought overwhelms me and leaves me with deep sadness.
So this year, my little guy, forgive me because I cannot celebrate your birthday tomorrow. This year we will remember you, we will pray with you, and we will miss you but celebrate is just something I can't do this year.
Now that I know what we've been missing out on, it leaves a hollowed out place in my heart for you. One day we will all celebrate together sweet child, one day. Until then please understand that this year I cannot celebrate your birthday like a typical kids birthday, but I can remember you and love you.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Backfired Again
I heard a sermon the other day that I haven't stopped thinking about. The preacher talked about what the title of Satan's biography would be: Backfired Again. I love that. He talked about the enemy succeeding in killing Christ but then the resurrection happens and bam-backfired again!
That theme has been on my heart all day. It's so weird re-living the actual date, April 14th, of the worst day of your life. So far I've managed to sleep most of it away. It's been a dreary, cold day which in a way is nice. There is no hiding that Caleb's 3rd birthday season has hit me harder than I expected. But what I do know is that I woke up today and I could feel God's grace moving. Like a peace and comfort that just wash over me.
Another thought that keeps running in my head is something that Nathan said a lot during our pregnancy with Abigail-we end in victory. The enemy had won on April 14th, 2011 when death took Caleb like a theif in the night. But a year later, when we baptized Abigail Therese on April 14, 2012, we felt like we had won the war.
Some scriptures that keep coming to mind today:
"Do not be overcome by evil, but instead overcome evil with good."Romans 12:21
"What you intended for evil, God intended for good."Genesis 50:20
"Oh death, where is your victory? Oh death, where is your sting? Death has been swallowed up in Victory"1 Corinthians 15:55-57
As we enter into Holy week, death is on my mind so much. But instead of feeling weighed down by death, like I have the last 6 weeks, I'm feel the power of overcoming death. Because each and every person who chooses to keep on living after whatever tragedy they face is kicking the enemy in the face. Satan's plans are death and destruction but like the preacher said, his plans often backfire.
I'm thankful for the grace we have been given to take Caleb's death and three years later be turning it into something positive. I can look back now over the past 3 years and say that Satan's plan did backfire. Instead of losing my faith in God, it somehow became stronger. Instead of running from Christ, I ran to Him. Instead of hardening my heart, it softened and filled with compassion and empathy.
We end in Victory, Backfired Again.
Ending this with two songs that are on repeat today. Clinging to hope even in the midst of death.
That theme has been on my heart all day. It's so weird re-living the actual date, April 14th, of the worst day of your life. So far I've managed to sleep most of it away. It's been a dreary, cold day which in a way is nice. There is no hiding that Caleb's 3rd birthday season has hit me harder than I expected. But what I do know is that I woke up today and I could feel God's grace moving. Like a peace and comfort that just wash over me.
Another thought that keeps running in my head is something that Nathan said a lot during our pregnancy with Abigail-we end in victory. The enemy had won on April 14th, 2011 when death took Caleb like a theif in the night. But a year later, when we baptized Abigail Therese on April 14, 2012, we felt like we had won the war.
Backfired Again. End in Victory
Some scriptures that keep coming to mind today:
"Do not be overcome by evil, but instead overcome evil with good."Romans 12:21
"What you intended for evil, God intended for good."Genesis 50:20
"Oh death, where is your victory? Oh death, where is your sting? Death has been swallowed up in Victory"1 Corinthians 15:55-57
As we enter into Holy week, death is on my mind so much. But instead of feeling weighed down by death, like I have the last 6 weeks, I'm feel the power of overcoming death. Because each and every person who chooses to keep on living after whatever tragedy they face is kicking the enemy in the face. Satan's plans are death and destruction but like the preacher said, his plans often backfire.
I'm thankful for the grace we have been given to take Caleb's death and three years later be turning it into something positive. I can look back now over the past 3 years and say that Satan's plan did backfire. Instead of losing my faith in God, it somehow became stronger. Instead of running from Christ, I ran to Him. Instead of hardening my heart, it softened and filled with compassion and empathy.
We end in Victory, Backfired Again.
Ending this with two songs that are on repeat today. Clinging to hope even in the midst of death.
Friday, April 11, 2014
Finding Comfort in the Storm
March is hard because it's the beginning of Caleb's season. Then there is April and Easter and as my Facebook so kindly reminded me today with this add from a clothing company:
Coordinate You & Your Little Ones in Bright Matching Dresses This Mother's Day!
Mothers Day is also just around the corner. And it feels like one thing on top of another. I saw my counselor yesterday and wow-I forgot how great counselors are! She validated and reaffirmed everything I'm feeling. I think the biggest thing I've gathered from going to counseling for almost 3 years now is that they help you put words to your feelings. This is how our conversation went:
Me: I feel heavy
Her: Like you are wearing a winter coat that is drenched in water?
Exactly
Me:I don't know why but year 3 is harder than I thought it would be
Her: Most parents report that at year 3 they expected to have a more gentler experience with their grief. At year 3 most parents report having their grief be very strong in intensity, something they did not expect.
Thank you
So, yeah counseling helps, SO MUCH. The main point that I took away from yesterday's session is to try and do something each day that brings me comfort. So here is my list of a few things I've done already and some Im going to keep doing in order to get through this hard season:
-Sleep-naps, naps, and more naps. Even though I can find 100 reasons not to nap, Im going to because grief is exhausting.
-Visit with friends. One friend in particular always makes my favorite dip when I visit. I called her up recently and said "Im a mess, can I come over, eat and chat?" She of course said yes and being with her brought me so much comfort.
-Planning to go out to breakfast with the nurse that delivered Caleb next week on the 14th (the day we found out he had died). I can't explain it but being with Laura makes me feel safe and brings me comfort. Im actually looking forward to the 14th!
-Listen to favorite music
-Watch t.v. shows that have very little drama in them. So cooking shows or the Office reruns. I just need to zone out for a while
-Be around people who understand. Visiting more support groups this season, being with other grievers
-Playing with Abigail and our dog
-Visiting the hospital. So a little creepy, but honestly I find so much comfort at the hospital we delivered Caleb. And lucky for me my husband works there! So I've been planning more lunch trips to visit him or going early to pick him up. Just walking the halls and visiting the gift shop make me feel closer to Caleb. Sometimes Abigail and I go early and get a snack from the cafeteria and then look out the big windows. I can't explain it, but the hospital brings me comfort so I go there more this season.
-Im going to go back through all the condolence cards we received after Caleb died and re-reading them for encouragement.
-Reading scripture that lifts me up
Those are just a few of the things that Im doing to bring comfort. Trying to hang on while April keeps going....
Coordinate You & Your Little Ones in Bright Matching Dresses This Mother's Day!
Mothers Day is also just around the corner. And it feels like one thing on top of another. I saw my counselor yesterday and wow-I forgot how great counselors are! She validated and reaffirmed everything I'm feeling. I think the biggest thing I've gathered from going to counseling for almost 3 years now is that they help you put words to your feelings. This is how our conversation went:
Me: I feel heavy
Her: Like you are wearing a winter coat that is drenched in water?
Exactly
Me:I don't know why but year 3 is harder than I thought it would be
Her: Most parents report that at year 3 they expected to have a more gentler experience with their grief. At year 3 most parents report having their grief be very strong in intensity, something they did not expect.
Thank you
So, yeah counseling helps, SO MUCH. The main point that I took away from yesterday's session is to try and do something each day that brings me comfort. So here is my list of a few things I've done already and some Im going to keep doing in order to get through this hard season:
-Sleep-naps, naps, and more naps. Even though I can find 100 reasons not to nap, Im going to because grief is exhausting.
-Visit with friends. One friend in particular always makes my favorite dip when I visit. I called her up recently and said "Im a mess, can I come over, eat and chat?" She of course said yes and being with her brought me so much comfort.
-Planning to go out to breakfast with the nurse that delivered Caleb next week on the 14th (the day we found out he had died). I can't explain it but being with Laura makes me feel safe and brings me comfort. Im actually looking forward to the 14th!
-Listen to favorite music
-Watch t.v. shows that have very little drama in them. So cooking shows or the Office reruns. I just need to zone out for a while
-Be around people who understand. Visiting more support groups this season, being with other grievers
-Playing with Abigail and our dog
-Visiting the hospital. So a little creepy, but honestly I find so much comfort at the hospital we delivered Caleb. And lucky for me my husband works there! So I've been planning more lunch trips to visit him or going early to pick him up. Just walking the halls and visiting the gift shop make me feel closer to Caleb. Sometimes Abigail and I go early and get a snack from the cafeteria and then look out the big windows. I can't explain it, but the hospital brings me comfort so I go there more this season.
-Im going to go back through all the condolence cards we received after Caleb died and re-reading them for encouragement.
-Reading scripture that lifts me up
Those are just a few of the things that Im doing to bring comfort. Trying to hang on while April keeps going....
Finding Comfort in the Storm
March is hard because it's the beginning of Caleb's season. Then there is April and Easter and as my Facebook so kindly reminded me today with this add from a clothing company:
Coordinate You & Your Little Ones in Bright Matching Dresses This Mother's Day!
Mothers Day is also just around the corner. And it feels like one thing on top of another. I saw my counselor yesterday and wow-I forgot how great counselors are! She validated and reaffirmed everything I'm feeling. I think the biggest thing I've gathered from going to counseling for almost 3 years now is that they help you put words to your feelings. This is how our conversation went:
Me: I feel heavy
Her: Like you are wearing a winter coat that is drenched in water?
Exactly
Me:I don't know why but year 3 is harder than I thought it would be
Her: Most parents report that at year 3 they expected to have a more gentler experience with their grief. At year 3 most parents report having their grief be very strong in intensity, something they did not expect.
Thank you
So, yeah counseling helps, SO MUCH. The main point that I took away from yesterday's session is to try and do something each day that brings me comfort. So here is my list of a few things I've done already and some Im going to keep doing in order to get through this hard season:
-Sleep-naps, naps, and more naps. Even though I can find 100 reasons not to nap, Im going to because grief is exhausting.
-Visit with friends. One friend in particular always makes my favorite dip when I visit. I called her up recently and said "Im a mess, can I come over, eat and chat?" She of course said yes and being with her brought me so much comfort.
-Planning to go out to breakfast with the nurse that delivered Caleb next week on the 14th (the day we found out he had died). I can't explain it but being with Laura makes me feel safe and brings me comfort. Im actually looking forward to the 14th!
-Listen to favorite music
-Watch t.v. shows that have very little drama in them. So cooking shows or the Office reruns. I just need to zone out for a while
-Be around people who understand. Visiting more support groups this season, being with other grievers
-Playing with Abigail and our dog
-Visiting the hospital. So a little creepy, but honestly I find so much comfort at the hospital we delivered Caleb. And lucky for me my husband works there! So I've been planning more lunch trips to visit him or going early to pick him up. Just walking the halls and visiting the gift shop make me feel closer to Caleb. Sometimes Abigail and I go early and get a snack from the cafeteria and then look out the big windows. I can't explain it, but the hospital brings me comfort so I go there more this season.
-Im going to go back through all the condolence cards we received after Caleb died and re-reading them for encouragement.
-Reading scripture that lifts me up
Those are just a few of the things that Im doing to bring comfort. Trying to hang on while April keeps going....
Coordinate You & Your Little Ones in Bright Matching Dresses This Mother's Day!
Mothers Day is also just around the corner. And it feels like one thing on top of another. I saw my counselor yesterday and wow-I forgot how great counselors are! She validated and reaffirmed everything I'm feeling. I think the biggest thing I've gathered from going to counseling for almost 3 years now is that they help you put words to your feelings. This is how our conversation went:
Me: I feel heavy
Her: Like you are wearing a winter coat that is drenched in water?
Exactly
Me:I don't know why but year 3 is harder than I thought it would be
Her: Most parents report that at year 3 they expected to have a more gentler experience with their grief. At year 3 most parents report having their grief be very strong in intensity, something they did not expect.
Thank you
So, yeah counseling helps, SO MUCH. The main point that I took away from yesterday's session is to try and do something each day that brings me comfort. So here is my list of a few things I've done already and some Im going to keep doing in order to get through this hard season:
-Sleep-naps, naps, and more naps. Even though I can find 100 reasons not to nap, Im going to because grief is exhausting.
-Visit with friends. One friend in particular always makes my favorite dip when I visit. I called her up recently and said "Im a mess, can I come over, eat and chat?" She of course said yes and being with her brought me so much comfort.
-Planning to go out to breakfast with the nurse that delivered Caleb next week on the 14th (the day we found out he had died). I can't explain it but being with Laura makes me feel safe and brings me comfort. Im actually looking forward to the 14th!
-Listen to favorite music
-Watch t.v. shows that have very little drama in them. So cooking shows or the Office reruns. I just need to zone out for a while
-Be around people who understand. Visiting more support groups this season, being with other grievers
-Playing with Abigail and our dog
-Visiting the hospital. So a little creepy, but honestly I find so much comfort at the hospital we delivered Caleb. And lucky for me my husband works there! So I've been planning more lunch trips to visit him or going early to pick him up. Just walking the halls and visiting the gift shop make me feel closer to Caleb. Sometimes Abigail and I go early and get a snack from the cafeteria and then look out the big windows. I can't explain it, but the hospital brings me comfort so I go there more this season.
-Im going to go back through all the condolence cards we received after Caleb died and re-reading them for encouragement.
-Reading scripture that lifts me up
Those are just a few of the things that Im doing to bring comfort. Trying to hang on while April keeps going....
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
To nurses
Recently I met a nursing student who was doing her rotations on the labor and delivery floor. She was gracious enough to listen to my story about Caleb's stillbirth. After she left it got me thinking about the need to train nurses. Maybe they are already being trained, I'm not sure, but I do know that I would want to share the following things with them.
We were very lucky to have had GREAT nurses when we delivered Caleb. In fact the nurse that actually helped deliver him has become a good friend. She walked with me throughout Abigail's pregnancy and then came back to help with Abigail's delivery.
She was truly such a bright light in the midst of our darkness. Because of her and so many other nurses that cared for us, here is what I would tell new nursing students when dealing with a stillbirth:
- Say the baby's name. Our nurses always called him Caleb and never just "the baby." The simple gesture of calling him by name showed me that they really saw him as a person even though he was dead. I loved hearing his name and felt like they knew him too since they were all calling him by name.
-Do the "normal" things. One of our nurses wrote Caleb's weight and height on the white board just like you would for a live baby. We took a picture of it and to this day its one of my favorite things to look at. Because it was "normal." So much of our experience was not normal so to have this one little gem in writing was a big deal.
-Tell them about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Often times a nurse is bound by hospital rules and cannot inform the patients about this incredible service. That's fine-if you cannot tell them, find someone who can! Our midwife was not under the same "rules" and was able to pass along NILMDTS information to us. EVEN if you or the other nurses take pictures of the baby later on, please still call NILMDTS. These are taken by professional photographers and from what I have seen are always better than the ones taken by the nurses (no offense to the nurses, but the photographers usually have better equipment and training).
-It's ok to show some emotion. Right before Caleb was born I remember seeing a tear slide down our nurse's cheek. It meant so much that she was sad too. Obviously she kept it together during her shift so that she could do her job, but showing some emotion is never a bad thing. It made me love her all the more.
-Send them home with as many resources as you can give them. This might be your only chance to give them information on support groups, meetings, anything that can help. Even if they do not want it now, let them know that later on they may want it and send it with them anyways.
-If there is a funeral or visitation for the baby-go to it. I did not see the nurses myself at Caleb's funeral but I saw that they signed the guest book. It meant so much to me that they would go out of their way to honor my child in this way. If you can't make the funeral, sending a card in the mail is a nice gesture to let them know you are still thinking of them.
-Pray for them
Nurses have the ability to make a terrible situation a little less terrible. I'm so grateful to our nurses and each year on Caleb's birthday we bring treats back to the hospital to say thank you for the fantastic job they did helping us through. Thank you to all nurses who cry with us, help us, and walk with us through our loss.
We were very lucky to have had GREAT nurses when we delivered Caleb. In fact the nurse that actually helped deliver him has become a good friend. She walked with me throughout Abigail's pregnancy and then came back to help with Abigail's delivery.
She was truly such a bright light in the midst of our darkness. Because of her and so many other nurses that cared for us, here is what I would tell new nursing students when dealing with a stillbirth:
- Say the baby's name. Our nurses always called him Caleb and never just "the baby." The simple gesture of calling him by name showed me that they really saw him as a person even though he was dead. I loved hearing his name and felt like they knew him too since they were all calling him by name.
-Do the "normal" things. One of our nurses wrote Caleb's weight and height on the white board just like you would for a live baby. We took a picture of it and to this day its one of my favorite things to look at. Because it was "normal." So much of our experience was not normal so to have this one little gem in writing was a big deal.
-Tell them about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Often times a nurse is bound by hospital rules and cannot inform the patients about this incredible service. That's fine-if you cannot tell them, find someone who can! Our midwife was not under the same "rules" and was able to pass along NILMDTS information to us. EVEN if you or the other nurses take pictures of the baby later on, please still call NILMDTS. These are taken by professional photographers and from what I have seen are always better than the ones taken by the nurses (no offense to the nurses, but the photographers usually have better equipment and training).
-It's ok to show some emotion. Right before Caleb was born I remember seeing a tear slide down our nurse's cheek. It meant so much that she was sad too. Obviously she kept it together during her shift so that she could do her job, but showing some emotion is never a bad thing. It made me love her all the more.
-Send them home with as many resources as you can give them. This might be your only chance to give them information on support groups, meetings, anything that can help. Even if they do not want it now, let them know that later on they may want it and send it with them anyways.
-If there is a funeral or visitation for the baby-go to it. I did not see the nurses myself at Caleb's funeral but I saw that they signed the guest book. It meant so much to me that they would go out of their way to honor my child in this way. If you can't make the funeral, sending a card in the mail is a nice gesture to let them know you are still thinking of them.
-Pray for them
Nurses have the ability to make a terrible situation a little less terrible. I'm so grateful to our nurses and each year on Caleb's birthday we bring treats back to the hospital to say thank you for the fantastic job they did helping us through. Thank you to all nurses who cry with us, help us, and walk with us through our loss.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Telling the Siblings that come after
When I talk to other baby loss moms, one thing that always comes up is "how will you tell Abigail about Caleb?" I'd thought I'd share a few things that we do to make sure Abigail knows about her big brother.
We keep his picture up, in the house and in her room. Each night before bed we say our prayers and then say goodnight to Caleb and explain that he is in Heaven with Jesus. It helps because his picture is right with her picture of Jesus.
We take her to visit the cemetery.. We bring balloons and other trinkets to put on his grave while she runs around. I feel good about the fact that a cemetery will be something she knows, not some random/scary place she visits during a funeral.
We read her this book:
We keep his picture up, in the house and in her room. Each night before bed we say our prayers and then say goodnight to Caleb and explain that he is in Heaven with Jesus. It helps because his picture is right with her picture of Jesus.
We take her to visit the cemetery.. We bring balloons and other trinkets to put on his grave while she runs around. I feel good about the fact that a cemetery will be something she knows, not some random/scary place she visits during a funeral.
We read her this book:
I love this book! Very real and sad but also gentle which is great for kids. It helps explain things with pictures that I find is very comforting as well as honest.
We talk about him and say things like "your big brother Caleb." Every so often we get out his photo book and look through the pictures and answer questions she has. Overall we just try as hard as we can to make him a part of our family. He has a stocking at Christmas, he has ornaments on the tree. My hope is that we never have to sit down and explain to her about her older brother. Instead, I'd like it to be something she always grows up knowing about with no secrets. She sees me cry because I miss him and there are days where my grief is too much so we take a pajama day and stay inside. I'm teaching her how to grieve because even though she never knew Caleb she will have to grieve the loss of her big brother. I hope we can help her navigate through that grief as the years roll on.
Abigail pushing around her "Caleb Bear" which is a 7.6 lb. bear from an awesome company called Molly Bears. They make bears for those who have lost a child and the bear weighs the same as Caleb did!
My advice for how to tell future siblings about their brothers or sisters who did not live would be to pray about it. Do something you are comfortable with. Make a way to memorialize your baby and then honor that space. Let your other children ask questions and feel comfortable talking about the sibling they lost.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Seeing the Need
Just wanted to post a thank you to Wendy for letting us be on her show Friday. If anything it confirmed the need that is out there for healing from losing a child during pregnancy. I'm so thankful to each caller who shared their story. So many people still grieving and loving their children after so many years. Thank you all who listened and prayed for us! If you did not catch the show, here is the link to Wendy's page and you can stream our show under the show archives link!
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Tune IN
Tune in tomorrow (Friday, April 4) at 1-2pm CT time to hear Nathan and I tell Caleb's story on Relevant Radio. The first half hour will be our story and how we started our ministry and the second half hour will be open to callers. Pray for us!
You can listen live by going to their website:
Relevant Radio
You can listen live by going to their website:
Relevant Radio
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
The Beginning of the End
April 1st. Well Caleb's month is here and in a few short weeks we will be celebrating his 3rd birthday! I cannot believe he should be/would be/is 3. So in anticipation of his birthday I'd like to start the beginning of the end. About 6 months ago God put it on my heart to wrap this blog up. God had told me to start this blog to chronicle the journey of grief. My purpose for it has always been as a ministry tool and a way to look back over what we've gone through. So I guess it seemed fitting that this space needs an end just like it had a beginning. When I first felt God pushing for an end to this space, I agreed with Him and still do-what else can I say? It still hurts, I still miss him, I'll always wonder why us? I really don't know what more there is to write about here that hasn't already been said.
I prayed about it and decided that on Caleb's 3rd birthday I would post my final entry on this space. In the 16 days from now to then, I'll be posting a few things along with some special guest posts from my husband. Even though I won't be writing here anymore, I'll still be posting updates for our ministry to our new Facebook page Immaculate Hope Ministries. And I'll be keeping this blog up to pass on as a reference to those who are going through loss. So stay tuned for just a few more posts as we count down!
I prayed about it and decided that on Caleb's 3rd birthday I would post my final entry on this space. In the 16 days from now to then, I'll be posting a few things along with some special guest posts from my husband. Even though I won't be writing here anymore, I'll still be posting updates for our ministry to our new Facebook page Immaculate Hope Ministries. And I'll be keeping this blog up to pass on as a reference to those who are going through loss. So stay tuned for just a few more posts as we count down!
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Exercise and Body Image After a Loss
Any time I stepped out in public after Caleb died I felt terribly ashamed of my body. What a joke it was! I knew that most moms were carrying extra weight after they delivered the baby-but to have to carry the weight and not have a cute, sleeping baby in your lap to hide that weight-that made me angry and ashamed.
At first I ran. I would be gone for 2-3 hours at a time just running and walking anywhere I could get to. Looking back I feel like this was more of an attempt to just "run away" than exercise, but hey it still burned some calories. I really, really detested my body and wanted to look nothing like a "mother."
But then I got pregnant again and with it came the first trimester where I could not exercise. I'm always pretty sick during that first trimester so it was back to the couch for me. Except I was still 20 lbs up from my "normal" weight because the baby weight from Caleb had not come off. And I didn't care at that point. I spent Abigail's pregnancy eating whatever sounded good. I had zero willpower and what little I did have went to staying sane, not watching my weight.
After she was born I really did not recognize my body. I felt like it had become a victim to grief and two full term pregnancies just ten month apart. My body was worn, stretched out, and BIG. I thought maybe breastfeeding would help lose the weight (because that is what I had always heard=false), but for me it seemed to just stall my metabolism and made me more hungry.
When I got cleared to exercise at my 6 week appointment, I started running again. It hurt to run-as in my knees hurt because of all the extra weight I was carrying. I was angry because I had the weight of two pregnancies but only one baby to show for it. Everything with my body seemed like an uphill battle and I continued tohate dislike my body.
When Abigail was six months old I knew I had to get serious about getting this weight off. The emotional and mental toil it was taking on me and my family was a lot. On average it took me at least 30 minutes to find something that fit to leave the house. Since losing Caleb I had developed a real PTS relationships with maternity clothes and immediately put them up once Abigail was born. So that left me with a small choice of clothes, and specifically ones that were not flattering. My husband was so sweet as he encouraged me each Sunday as I tried to find something to wear to Church through tons of tears.
I tried to go to a gym but grief and the lack of sleep from a new baby had changed me. It's hard to make decisions in grief and when I went to the gym I was like a lost puppy. I had zero initiative, motivation or desire to be there. I couldn't decide what equipment to use or for how long and everything felt overwhelming. I left with the realization that I could not do this on my own.
So I talked with my husband and we decided to set aside a bigger chunk of our budget than planned that would allow me to join a group exercise program. I joined Guardian Fitness with the hope that maybe this program could help me get my body back. I was right, but it also gave me so much more.
Guardian Fitness (or G-Fit for short) is a special group exercise program that is run by a military sergeant. We did things like push trucks, take sledge hammers to tires, and hit baseball bats against hanging bags. It was not your ordinary work out. And I loved it! I began to see results immediately but what I didn't expect were the results I saw emotionally. I began to have less anxiety, less breakdowns and less trips to see my counselor. Each work out (twice a week) I would envision my anger over losing Caleb and take it during class. I was literally beating the grief out of me! And the best part-the military sergeant in charge is a devoted Christian. He mentioned Christ often during the workouts and was not afraid to let his faith show. It was the best of both worlds-faith and exercise.
G-Fit helped me lose 27 lbs. in a year and made me recognize my body again. Just recently I decided to leave G-Fit to join weight watchers and focus on my eating. Our budget could not afford both, so I've had to do them in separate chunks. I felt my body was where it should be, but I was still too attached to food. Ever since Caleb died I have leaned heavily on food. There is this voice in my head that whispers, "your son died, you deserve ________(insert whatever bad food I'm craving)." And 9 times out of 10 I gave into that voice. I don't think I would have been strong enough to part with food any earlier than now, 3 years out. Food was a great comfort to me after Caleb died and some days it was the only thing I looked forward to. But it feels like its time now to cut the cord so to speak and regain even more control back.
Exercise and body image can be so hard during grief. What I've learned is that you have to find what works for you and start slow. I truly believe that a big part of my healing emotionally was due to being able to exercise intensely, but I needed to do that with others because I wasn't structured enough on my own. Be gentle with yourself and don't set time limits. I'm still not at my "pre-pregnancy" weight and its been almost 3 years since Caleb. But I'm getting there and that's the point. I think losing the weight and getting back in shape have also helped me to reconcile with my body. I've spent so long hating my body for killing Caleb. Whipping it back in shape has been good because it puts me in charge again.
So for all those grieving moms out there who don't recognize their bodies and have no living baby to cover the body up, I hear ya. It sucks and its not fair. But don't give up, in time you will get things back under control, one step at a time.
At first I ran. I would be gone for 2-3 hours at a time just running and walking anywhere I could get to. Looking back I feel like this was more of an attempt to just "run away" than exercise, but hey it still burned some calories. I really, really detested my body and wanted to look nothing like a "mother."
But then I got pregnant again and with it came the first trimester where I could not exercise. I'm always pretty sick during that first trimester so it was back to the couch for me. Except I was still 20 lbs up from my "normal" weight because the baby weight from Caleb had not come off. And I didn't care at that point. I spent Abigail's pregnancy eating whatever sounded good. I had zero willpower and what little I did have went to staying sane, not watching my weight.
After she was born I really did not recognize my body. I felt like it had become a victim to grief and two full term pregnancies just ten month apart. My body was worn, stretched out, and BIG. I thought maybe breastfeeding would help lose the weight (because that is what I had always heard=false), but for me it seemed to just stall my metabolism and made me more hungry.
When I got cleared to exercise at my 6 week appointment, I started running again. It hurt to run-as in my knees hurt because of all the extra weight I was carrying. I was angry because I had the weight of two pregnancies but only one baby to show for it. Everything with my body seemed like an uphill battle and I continued to
When Abigail was six months old I knew I had to get serious about getting this weight off. The emotional and mental toil it was taking on me and my family was a lot. On average it took me at least 30 minutes to find something that fit to leave the house. Since losing Caleb I had developed a real PTS relationships with maternity clothes and immediately put them up once Abigail was born. So that left me with a small choice of clothes, and specifically ones that were not flattering. My husband was so sweet as he encouraged me each Sunday as I tried to find something to wear to Church through tons of tears.
I tried to go to a gym but grief and the lack of sleep from a new baby had changed me. It's hard to make decisions in grief and when I went to the gym I was like a lost puppy. I had zero initiative, motivation or desire to be there. I couldn't decide what equipment to use or for how long and everything felt overwhelming. I left with the realization that I could not do this on my own.
So I talked with my husband and we decided to set aside a bigger chunk of our budget than planned that would allow me to join a group exercise program. I joined Guardian Fitness with the hope that maybe this program could help me get my body back. I was right, but it also gave me so much more.
Guardian Fitness (or G-Fit for short) is a special group exercise program that is run by a military sergeant. We did things like push trucks, take sledge hammers to tires, and hit baseball bats against hanging bags. It was not your ordinary work out. And I loved it! I began to see results immediately but what I didn't expect were the results I saw emotionally. I began to have less anxiety, less breakdowns and less trips to see my counselor. Each work out (twice a week) I would envision my anger over losing Caleb and take it during class. I was literally beating the grief out of me! And the best part-the military sergeant in charge is a devoted Christian. He mentioned Christ often during the workouts and was not afraid to let his faith show. It was the best of both worlds-faith and exercise.
G-Fit helped me lose 27 lbs. in a year and made me recognize my body again. Just recently I decided to leave G-Fit to join weight watchers and focus on my eating. Our budget could not afford both, so I've had to do them in separate chunks. I felt my body was where it should be, but I was still too attached to food. Ever since Caleb died I have leaned heavily on food. There is this voice in my head that whispers, "your son died, you deserve ________(insert whatever bad food I'm craving)." And 9 times out of 10 I gave into that voice. I don't think I would have been strong enough to part with food any earlier than now, 3 years out. Food was a great comfort to me after Caleb died and some days it was the only thing I looked forward to. But it feels like its time now to cut the cord so to speak and regain even more control back.
Exercise and body image can be so hard during grief. What I've learned is that you have to find what works for you and start slow. I truly believe that a big part of my healing emotionally was due to being able to exercise intensely, but I needed to do that with others because I wasn't structured enough on my own. Be gentle with yourself and don't set time limits. I'm still not at my "pre-pregnancy" weight and its been almost 3 years since Caleb. But I'm getting there and that's the point. I think losing the weight and getting back in shape have also helped me to reconcile with my body. I've spent so long hating my body for killing Caleb. Whipping it back in shape has been good because it puts me in charge again.
So for all those grieving moms out there who don't recognize their bodies and have no living baby to cover the body up, I hear ya. It sucks and its not fair. But don't give up, in time you will get things back under control, one step at a time.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Changing Names
Most people don't know this but, my name at birth was Ryan. My parents thought that it was going to take off and be the next big popular girls name in the 80's. Except it didn't and by the time I went to first grade I had all sorts of problems with my name. Since most people just read things off a list and because my name looked and was spelled just like the male version of Ryan, I was put in boy scouts, the boys side of coat hangers, and invited to an all boys birthday party. All within the first few weeks of school! Soon enough my parents realized this was going to be an ongoing battle my whole life and my grandmother suggested chaining my name to Ryanne to make it more feminine looking and sounding. So we did! Most people don't get the chance to legally change their name, but I have. Even though I still have issues with people understanding my name, I'm glad it was changed all those years ago.
So what's the point of this story? Well it's time for another name change! Nathan and I have officially decided to change the name of our ministry. When we first began this ministry I knew that the name would be important. I did not want it to contain the name pregnancy loss anywhere in the title. My logic was that I wanted the women I was ministering to to want to come to my gathering- and no one wants to belong to the pregnancy loss club. So I came up with the name "A Mothers Love" because I felt it validated who we were-mothers- and because our grief stemmed from our deep love for our children who had died.
When I met with a new spiritual director almost two years ago he mentioned maybe changing the name. I'll admit that I did not want to change the name. I had put serious thought and prayer into the name and I had reasons for calling it A Mothers Love. So we sat on it. Once we opened the ministry up to couples last summer I knew that the name A Mothers Love could not hold up if we continued to minister to men. So we began to pray.
Nathan wanted something with the word hope in it. I told him that I felt like Mary, our Mother, had to be a part of the title somehow because she's been such a big part of helping me grieve. So we prayed and brainstormed and on December 8th, the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, we officially changed the name and consecrated our ministry to Mary.
Immaculate Hope Ministries will be the official name of our ministry from here on out. A Mothers Love will encompass the women's side of the ministry and the men's retreats will fall under the name Heart of the Father. I love the new name! I love having Mary be a part of it with her being the Immaculate Conception. I love the power behind it and the hope it gives. We have officially bought a domain site and are working on getting a website up. We also have a few events coming up. What events you ask? Let me tell you!(And please feel free to email me at immaculatehoperetreats@gmail.com if you have any questions about the following events)
April 1, 2014- I will be speaking at the St. Jude's Moms Group in Peoria,IL and covering the topic of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. Starts at 9AM.
April 4, 2014 -Nathan and I will both be speaking on the Wendy Weise Show on Relevant Radio during her 1-2 PM central time afternoon show (listen to relevant radio live by visiting their website here)
June 7, 2014-Couples Retreat in Chicago, IL sponsored by the Marriage and Family Ministries Office and The Respect Life Office of the Archdiocese. This will be a day retreat for any couple who has experienced the loss of a child during pregnancy or as an infant.(details for this retreat can be found under the tab "Immaculate Hope Ministries" at the top of this blog)
Fall 2014-Couples Retreat in the dioceses of Des Moines, IA. Date still to be determined!
So there you have it-the story behind the name and the name change. Please continue to pray with us as we develop this ministry and keep walking where God wants us to go!
So what's the point of this story? Well it's time for another name change! Nathan and I have officially decided to change the name of our ministry. When we first began this ministry I knew that the name would be important. I did not want it to contain the name pregnancy loss anywhere in the title. My logic was that I wanted the women I was ministering to to want to come to my gathering- and no one wants to belong to the pregnancy loss club. So I came up with the name "A Mothers Love" because I felt it validated who we were-mothers- and because our grief stemmed from our deep love for our children who had died.
When I met with a new spiritual director almost two years ago he mentioned maybe changing the name. I'll admit that I did not want to change the name. I had put serious thought and prayer into the name and I had reasons for calling it A Mothers Love. So we sat on it. Once we opened the ministry up to couples last summer I knew that the name A Mothers Love could not hold up if we continued to minister to men. So we began to pray.
Nathan wanted something with the word hope in it. I told him that I felt like Mary, our Mother, had to be a part of the title somehow because she's been such a big part of helping me grieve. So we prayed and brainstormed and on December 8th, the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, we officially changed the name and consecrated our ministry to Mary.
Immaculate Hope Ministries will be the official name of our ministry from here on out. A Mothers Love will encompass the women's side of the ministry and the men's retreats will fall under the name Heart of the Father. I love the new name! I love having Mary be a part of it with her being the Immaculate Conception. I love the power behind it and the hope it gives. We have officially bought a domain site and are working on getting a website up. We also have a few events coming up. What events you ask? Let me tell you!(And please feel free to email me at immaculatehoperetreats@gmail.com if you have any questions about the following events)
April 1, 2014- I will be speaking at the St. Jude's Moms Group in Peoria,IL and covering the topic of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. Starts at 9AM.
April 4, 2014 -Nathan and I will both be speaking on the Wendy Weise Show on Relevant Radio during her 1-2 PM central time afternoon show (listen to relevant radio live by visiting their website here)
June 7, 2014-Couples Retreat in Chicago, IL sponsored by the Marriage and Family Ministries Office and The Respect Life Office of the Archdiocese. This will be a day retreat for any couple who has experienced the loss of a child during pregnancy or as an infant.(details for this retreat can be found under the tab "Immaculate Hope Ministries" at the top of this blog)
Fall 2014-Couples Retreat in the dioceses of Des Moines, IA. Date still to be determined!
So there you have it-the story behind the name and the name change. Please continue to pray with us as we develop this ministry and keep walking where God wants us to go!
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
This Season
This season, lent, is hard. Having lent line up so close to Caleb's birthday is always going to be hard, I know that. But each year it takes me by surprise. I still think I should only be sad on his birthday, not the two months leading up to it.
It's hard because there is so much hope this time of year-the lent countdown to Easter has begun. We wait with Christ, suffer with Him, and then end in His resurrection. The sunshine feels so good after a long winter and the hope of Spring is so close. So much hope everywhere but all I feel is sadness. Spring to me means death, which is so backwards. I'm disappointed with the ways things turned out three years ago. Mad that I have can't have that hope in my heart because grief is so heavy this season. I'm having more sad/bad days than good days. Crying more often which leaves me feeling weak.
I don't want to be heavy with grief, but it's just there. It's like the elephant in the room just showed up. I think about Caleb more, about where I was in my pregnancy three years ago this month. At night it's taken me longer and longer to sleep because my mind can't settle down- I keep reliving all the terrible moments when we found out he died. Bitterness wells up inside of me more and more and the anxiety over every little thing is back.
I want to be done with this, and I'm disappointed in myself that I'm still not past all the terrible feelings of anger, resentment, and rage. I desperately want to be better than this grief that pulls me down and makes me wallow in self pity. I want out! But I know the only way out is to lean into it. To trudge through it again, and again and again. I'm starting to think I might never have to give another thing up for lent because this might always be my lent. Wrestling with this sadness and the other emotions this season brings up.
So for this season, I'll lean into the grief. One song that has kept me going is "Oh How I Need You," by All Sons and Daughters. It's about finding God in the seeking, in the doubt, in the unknown. It speaks right to my heart because even after 3 years I have too many questions that remain unanswered, so many doubts about God and His goodness. What I do know is that if I seek Him and bring all things to Him, that's where He'll be and that will settle my heart.
Could I ask you to pray? For me, for my husband, for us? March and April are hard months and I can pretend that I'm fine and try to handle it on my own, or I can admit my weakness. I need your prayers to get through another season without my son. Please pray for me and for all those grieving.
It's hard because there is so much hope this time of year-the lent countdown to Easter has begun. We wait with Christ, suffer with Him, and then end in His resurrection. The sunshine feels so good after a long winter and the hope of Spring is so close. So much hope everywhere but all I feel is sadness. Spring to me means death, which is so backwards. I'm disappointed with the ways things turned out three years ago. Mad that I have can't have that hope in my heart because grief is so heavy this season. I'm having more sad/bad days than good days. Crying more often which leaves me feeling weak.
I don't want to be heavy with grief, but it's just there. It's like the elephant in the room just showed up. I think about Caleb more, about where I was in my pregnancy three years ago this month. At night it's taken me longer and longer to sleep because my mind can't settle down- I keep reliving all the terrible moments when we found out he died. Bitterness wells up inside of me more and more and the anxiety over every little thing is back.
I want to be done with this, and I'm disappointed in myself that I'm still not past all the terrible feelings of anger, resentment, and rage. I desperately want to be better than this grief that pulls me down and makes me wallow in self pity. I want out! But I know the only way out is to lean into it. To trudge through it again, and again and again. I'm starting to think I might never have to give another thing up for lent because this might always be my lent. Wrestling with this sadness and the other emotions this season brings up.
So for this season, I'll lean into the grief. One song that has kept me going is "Oh How I Need You," by All Sons and Daughters. It's about finding God in the seeking, in the doubt, in the unknown. It speaks right to my heart because even after 3 years I have too many questions that remain unanswered, so many doubts about God and His goodness. What I do know is that if I seek Him and bring all things to Him, that's where He'll be and that will settle my heart.
Could I ask you to pray? For me, for my husband, for us? March and April are hard months and I can pretend that I'm fine and try to handle it on my own, or I can admit my weakness. I need your prayers to get through another season without my son. Please pray for me and for all those grieving.
"Lord I find you in the seeking,
Lord I find you in the doubt.
And to know you is to love you
And to know so little else"
Saturday, March 8, 2014
I was going to say...
Loved this article....Describes so much of how I'm feel lately with April just around the corner....
I was going to say
I was going to say
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
We lived lent for an entire year
The long lent of 2011...that is what my husband and I call it. Caleb died during lent 2011, actually towards the end of it. Little did we know that the "end" of that liturgical season according to the calendar was just the beginning of our "Lenten" season. After our son died the paschal mystery (life,death, and resurrection) of Jesus became our lived experience, particularly the death aspect. And I hated it at first, fought against it, cried my way through it. I can distinctly remember going to mass during the Easter season and feeling more alone than ever-even the Church had moved on. She was happy-we were still hanging on the cross. And boy did it hurt! Pain like I had never experienced before. As Easter turned into ordinary time and then into Advent and Christmas- we remained in lent. All the joyous talk of a newborn baby boy that would redeem the world was salt on my already hurting wound. It stung and I had to really offer up a sacrifice of praise each time I went to mass during those seasons.
But then something beautiful happened-Easter 2012. With our newborn daughter in our arms we attended Easter Sunday Mass. This Easter was not like the others. I wasn't just happy because today I could finally have diet coke again or indulge in sweets. This Easter was crisper, more colorful than it had ever been. The reason was because of our year of lent. Our time suffering and wandering aimlessly in the deserts of our souls longing for Christ made His resurrection all the more profound. And the same thing happened at Advent and Christmas. Since Caleb's death I have been blessed to see the liturgical seasons in a new way because I didn't just try to enter into them, I lived them.
Grief is awful-it is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Suffering is miserable- I can never deny that. But on the other end is relief and it will taste all the more sweeter because of the suffering. For all those out there going through lent while grieving-this is our season. The Church is bare, the music is bleak and the focus in on death. And to me that is comforting. Even the beginning words of lent "Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return"(Genesis 3:19) make everyone confront their own death...
The sad part is that when lent ends in 40 days, most people's lives will still be in lent. Still be living in the horror of the death or suffering they are experiencing and walking through in their own lives. My advice would be to continue on with the lent. Continue on when it doesn't seem to end because eventually it will. Jesus will meet you in your grief and sadness and despair. It will hurt when the Church moves into Easter and you are still in Lent, but Jesus will remain with you. If you don't believe me then go into any Catholic Church on Easter Sunday and look up to the altar- what is still there is the crucifix. We are never far from lent. His death is always present and thank God for that. He loves us, He gets it, and He will remain with us.
Lent is here, or maybe for some of us it has been here for a while and isn't going anywhere any time soon. I am praying, the Church is praying. Invite Jesus into your broken heart this season and give yourself lots of grace. You are not like others- you probably won't feel up to sacrificing much this lent because your whole life has become a sacrifice. You might need that diet coke or cookie you used to give up in order to make it through your work day without breaking down. Grieving during lent is its own sacrifice-believe that and be gentle with yourself. Hold onto the hope that this Lenten season of your life,however long, will always awaken to the Easter resurrection.
But then something beautiful happened-Easter 2012. With our newborn daughter in our arms we attended Easter Sunday Mass. This Easter was not like the others. I wasn't just happy because today I could finally have diet coke again or indulge in sweets. This Easter was crisper, more colorful than it had ever been. The reason was because of our year of lent. Our time suffering and wandering aimlessly in the deserts of our souls longing for Christ made His resurrection all the more profound. And the same thing happened at Advent and Christmas. Since Caleb's death I have been blessed to see the liturgical seasons in a new way because I didn't just try to enter into them, I lived them.
Grief is awful-it is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Suffering is miserable- I can never deny that. But on the other end is relief and it will taste all the more sweeter because of the suffering. For all those out there going through lent while grieving-this is our season. The Church is bare, the music is bleak and the focus in on death. And to me that is comforting. Even the beginning words of lent "Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return"(Genesis 3:19) make everyone confront their own death...
The sad part is that when lent ends in 40 days, most people's lives will still be in lent. Still be living in the horror of the death or suffering they are experiencing and walking through in their own lives. My advice would be to continue on with the lent. Continue on when it doesn't seem to end because eventually it will. Jesus will meet you in your grief and sadness and despair. It will hurt when the Church moves into Easter and you are still in Lent, but Jesus will remain with you. If you don't believe me then go into any Catholic Church on Easter Sunday and look up to the altar- what is still there is the crucifix. We are never far from lent. His death is always present and thank God for that. He loves us, He gets it, and He will remain with us.
Lent is here, or maybe for some of us it has been here for a while and isn't going anywhere any time soon. I am praying, the Church is praying. Invite Jesus into your broken heart this season and give yourself lots of grace. You are not like others- you probably won't feel up to sacrificing much this lent because your whole life has become a sacrifice. You might need that diet coke or cookie you used to give up in order to make it through your work day without breaking down. Grieving during lent is its own sacrifice-believe that and be gentle with yourself. Hold onto the hope that this Lenten season of your life,however long, will always awaken to the Easter resurrection.
Friday, February 28, 2014
But my Baby Died
I'm going back through some of my "drafts" (all 62 of them!) and pulling out some ones that I feel are worth sharing. This one was written early in the fall of 2013.
"But my baby died," its the line that always pops into my head. Fall is here and there is a lot of "newness" going on. New groups to join, new venues to go to, new things to experience. And at times I've had that sinking feeling of being alone in a crowded room, misunderstood in a group of like-minded people, basically an outsider. Because what my number one job is on a daily basis is to relate to people. I'm a woman. I stay at home. I'm with other women a lot. My vocation as wife and mother is relational, and I love that. But my baby died and that isn't relational.
Lately I've wanted to add that line, "but my baby died," onto the end of every story I hear, every testimony given, every happy song sung. And its not so much about bitterness or jealousy but more out of a feeling of isolation. I'm a mother to a live baby, but my dead child seems to dominate my motherhood. That makes me feel different, always. And then I just don't know what to do with that feeling. I don't know where to put it or where to store it. So I just sit with it.
I sat with it for a while in prayer tonight and then it turned into "But God, my baby died. I didn't do anything, I didn't fail at anything, I didn't break any rules or commandments, I just went to bed! I didn't do anything to deserve this.My baby died and my world is still shattered and I didn't do anything to cause it!" And as I sat there I felt God say, "I didn't do anything either." Hot tears started coming.
That's right I thought, I'm not alone. You didn't do anything either, and they killed you. You did everything right and your world still fell apart. And it's times like tonight that I realize having a dead son is and will always be a part of my sanctification. Because the more I navigate through this world without my son, the more I find myself being molded to our Lord. Every time that I want to add the line "but my baby died," just to prove that I've had it worse, that I've lived through hell, I don't. Instead I ask for grace and understanding to meet others where they are at without having to one up them. Because in the end-Jesus story beats all of ours. It's the worst thing that could ever happen. And at times when I feel alone or isolated or misunderstood I have to remember that God is in this with me. In fact, He gets it more than most people ever will.
"But my baby died," yes, he sure did. But God knows, God sees, God hears, and God is with me. And that is enough.
"But my baby died," its the line that always pops into my head. Fall is here and there is a lot of "newness" going on. New groups to join, new venues to go to, new things to experience. And at times I've had that sinking feeling of being alone in a crowded room, misunderstood in a group of like-minded people, basically an outsider. Because what my number one job is on a daily basis is to relate to people. I'm a woman. I stay at home. I'm with other women a lot. My vocation as wife and mother is relational, and I love that. But my baby died and that isn't relational.
Lately I've wanted to add that line, "but my baby died," onto the end of every story I hear, every testimony given, every happy song sung. And its not so much about bitterness or jealousy but more out of a feeling of isolation. I'm a mother to a live baby, but my dead child seems to dominate my motherhood. That makes me feel different, always. And then I just don't know what to do with that feeling. I don't know where to put it or where to store it. So I just sit with it.
I sat with it for a while in prayer tonight and then it turned into "But God, my baby died. I didn't do anything, I didn't fail at anything, I didn't break any rules or commandments, I just went to bed! I didn't do anything to deserve this.My baby died and my world is still shattered and I didn't do anything to cause it!" And as I sat there I felt God say, "I didn't do anything either." Hot tears started coming.
That's right I thought, I'm not alone. You didn't do anything either, and they killed you. You did everything right and your world still fell apart. And it's times like tonight that I realize having a dead son is and will always be a part of my sanctification. Because the more I navigate through this world without my son, the more I find myself being molded to our Lord. Every time that I want to add the line "but my baby died," just to prove that I've had it worse, that I've lived through hell, I don't. Instead I ask for grace and understanding to meet others where they are at without having to one up them. Because in the end-Jesus story beats all of ours. It's the worst thing that could ever happen. And at times when I feel alone or isolated or misunderstood I have to remember that God is in this with me. In fact, He gets it more than most people ever will.
"But my baby died," yes, he sure did. But God knows, God sees, God hears, and God is with me. And that is enough.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Abigail Thérèse
Two years ago today we checked into the hospital at 6pm to start our induction at 36 weeks and 5 days. I think this date, February 24th, will be forever etched on my heart. For me the 24th marked the end of the race. I crawled,cried, and dragged myself through her pregnancy and reaching the 24th felt like victory. Still to this day when I'm asked what day her birthday is, I automatically want to reply-the 24th, even though its the 26th. For me the 24th is the day her pregnancy ended and I could finally say that I had kept her alive all those months.
Looking back I cannot believe we have come so far since she has been born. I feel like a new person, someone much more whole than I was two years ago. Abigail has been a balm on my heart that was so broken. She is our joy and light.
Her actual birthday is this Wednesday. There is something about birthdays since losing Caleb. I feel so grateful to be able to celebrate a birthday with parties, trips to chuck e cheese, cake and presents as opposed to visiting the cemetery and letting a few balloons go. Abigail's birthday is one of the biggest highlights of my year and I just keep thanking God for the gift of her. I'll share a video here that we are going to show at Abigail's birthday party. Enjoy!
Click here to watch video
I picked this song to go with the slide show not because I'm a Twilight fan (which I'm not) but because I loved the words...."I have died every day waiting for you..." Every day we waited for her felt like I was dying but then she came and taught me how to live again. Thank you Jesus for our daughter!
Here is the Scripture that I read every day during Abigail's pregnancy. It gave me constant hope:
Looking back I cannot believe we have come so far since she has been born. I feel like a new person, someone much more whole than I was two years ago. Abigail has been a balm on my heart that was so broken. She is our joy and light.
Her actual birthday is this Wednesday. There is something about birthdays since losing Caleb. I feel so grateful to be able to celebrate a birthday with parties, trips to chuck e cheese, cake and presents as opposed to visiting the cemetery and letting a few balloons go. Abigail's birthday is one of the biggest highlights of my year and I just keep thanking God for the gift of her. I'll share a video here that we are going to show at Abigail's birthday party. Enjoy!
Click here to watch video
I picked this song to go with the slide show not because I'm a Twilight fan (which I'm not) but because I loved the words...."I have died every day waiting for you..." Every day we waited for her felt like I was dying but then she came and taught me how to live again. Thank you Jesus for our daughter!
Here is the Scripture that I read every day during Abigail's pregnancy. It gave me constant hope:
Psalm 126
"When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion,
then we thought we were dreaming
then we thought we were dreaming
Our mouths were filled with laughter and our tongues sang for joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
"The Lord has done great things for them."
"The Lord has done great things for them."
The Lord had done great things for us, Oh how happy we were!
Restore again our fortunes, Lord, like the dry stream beds of the Negeb.
Those who sow in tears will reap with cries of joy!
Those who go forth weeping, carrying sacks of seed,
will return with cries of joy carrying their bundled sheaves."
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Good Stuff
I stumbled across this band the other day and I cannot stop listening to them. Maybe they are really popular and I'm just late to know, but I wanted to share some of their music that has really been speaking to my heart lately.
"Buried in the Grave"
"Brokenness Aside"
And my favorite so far
"A reason to Sing"
"
And a beautiful explanation of the writing of "Reason to Sing"
Sunday, February 9, 2014
"Trying" again
When we got married I thought that raising our children would be the hardest thing we would do. I imagined many mouths to feed, little money, and a small apartment. We've been married almost 5 years and if I've learned anything it's that the raising part seems to be easy so far. We have a house that still feels too empty, plenty of food, and money left over each month for savings. The hardest thing I've ever done is not raising my children, it's trying to have children.
I have at least a dozen posts started in an effort to talk about what it feels like to try for your second rainbow baby. None of them are good so I've just kept quiet. But after another month of learning we are not pregnant I'm feeling the need to write. It's been 6 months of trying,which by itself is not a long time. But the thing that is the hardest, and something I was not expecting, is that this time around it's like things are getting piled up on that innocent 6 months. Like the 12 months it took to conceive Caleb. Or the one dead baby that happened along the way. It's another terrible math game that my head does before I can tell it to stop.
Trying again has shown me that the disappointment from the past keeps coming up each month and attaching itself to the current disappointment of that month's non-pregnancy status. And its draining me. Each month I'm faced with the questions of my heart toward God and His plan and His will. It's tiring and this is why I was hesitant to even get back into "trying" again.
There is also more guilt this time around that comes with the disappointment. Because I have a living child. I do! And she is the best thing and she is ENOUGH. So why do I want more? Why can't I be happy with just her? I'm let down each month and then have guilt for feeling let down.
Trying to have children is the hardest thing I have ever done. And let's be real for a moment and just admit that the "getting pregnant" part is not supposed to be the hard part for us. The hard part for us is supposed to be keeping the baby alive! I just feel like it's an uphill battle with no end in sight. That's why its hard, that's why it's sanctifying and I'm sure that's one reason God is allowing this to happen. Sometimes though I'm tired of being tried. Tired of being put to the "test" in order to have the "testimony."
But after all of those sad and despairing thoughts come and go, there are also other emotions that rise to the surface. If all the past disappointments are getting piled onto current ones, then I will also say that the same is true for my trust and faith in God. Because each month that we are not pregnant and the enemy whispers all his lies,
"God isn't here, He wasn't there when Caleb died. God doesn't care about the desires of your heart. God will not show up."
Each month as those lies are whispered, I also feel the trust and faith I have in God rising to the surface. Because those are just lies and I know it. God was with me when Caleb died. He walked with me, cried with me, carried me. God's plan has been perfect in its timing and I can say that He does know what He is doing because it's through God that I was brought back to the land of the living.
I'm not sure if this current time of trying to get pregnant will turn into another longer trial, but I do know that it is showing me just how much I have grown in my walk with God since I started trying to have kids. Yes, there are old doubts and old wounds that will always be there. But I'm also experiencing faith and trust that only comes with looking back on past trials. It's easier to laugh at the enemy when those lies come because I know they are lies-my life is a witness that God has been good and He does stay close to the brokenhearted.
"And I believe I shall see your goodness Lord, in the land of the Living!" Psalm 27:13
I have at least a dozen posts started in an effort to talk about what it feels like to try for your second rainbow baby. None of them are good so I've just kept quiet. But after another month of learning we are not pregnant I'm feeling the need to write. It's been 6 months of trying,which by itself is not a long time. But the thing that is the hardest, and something I was not expecting, is that this time around it's like things are getting piled up on that innocent 6 months. Like the 12 months it took to conceive Caleb. Or the one dead baby that happened along the way. It's another terrible math game that my head does before I can tell it to stop.
Trying again has shown me that the disappointment from the past keeps coming up each month and attaching itself to the current disappointment of that month's non-pregnancy status. And its draining me. Each month I'm faced with the questions of my heart toward God and His plan and His will. It's tiring and this is why I was hesitant to even get back into "trying" again.
There is also more guilt this time around that comes with the disappointment. Because I have a living child. I do! And she is the best thing and she is ENOUGH. So why do I want more? Why can't I be happy with just her? I'm let down each month and then have guilt for feeling let down.
Trying to have children is the hardest thing I have ever done. And let's be real for a moment and just admit that the "getting pregnant" part is not supposed to be the hard part for us. The hard part for us is supposed to be keeping the baby alive! I just feel like it's an uphill battle with no end in sight. That's why its hard, that's why it's sanctifying and I'm sure that's one reason God is allowing this to happen. Sometimes though I'm tired of being tried. Tired of being put to the "test" in order to have the "testimony."
But after all of those sad and despairing thoughts come and go, there are also other emotions that rise to the surface. If all the past disappointments are getting piled onto current ones, then I will also say that the same is true for my trust and faith in God. Because each month that we are not pregnant and the enemy whispers all his lies,
"God isn't here, He wasn't there when Caleb died. God doesn't care about the desires of your heart. God will not show up."
Each month as those lies are whispered, I also feel the trust and faith I have in God rising to the surface. Because those are just lies and I know it. God was with me when Caleb died. He walked with me, cried with me, carried me. God's plan has been perfect in its timing and I can say that He does know what He is doing because it's through God that I was brought back to the land of the living.
I'm not sure if this current time of trying to get pregnant will turn into another longer trial, but I do know that it is showing me just how much I have grown in my walk with God since I started trying to have kids. Yes, there are old doubts and old wounds that will always be there. But I'm also experiencing faith and trust that only comes with looking back on past trials. It's easier to laugh at the enemy when those lies come because I know they are lies-my life is a witness that God has been good and He does stay close to the brokenhearted.
"And I believe I shall see your goodness Lord, in the land of the Living!" Psalm 27:13
Friday, January 31, 2014
Trauma and Grief
Another great post from Brooke about the trauma associated with grief:
"Sometimes it seems like a dream and I can't believe it was ME, that it really happened, that it was MY LIFE. And sometimes those memories are so vivid that they take my breath away and I can't believe that I ever kept going, that there was ever anything else."
The Grief and the Trauma
"Sometimes it seems like a dream and I can't believe it was ME, that it really happened, that it was MY LIFE. And sometimes those memories are so vivid that they take my breath away and I can't believe that I ever kept going, that there was ever anything else."
The Grief and the Trauma
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
It doesn't matter
"It doesn't matter." Something I've been saying for about the last week and a half leading up to our retreat tomorrow night. I say it about everything- the laundry, the food, the messy house, the broken garage door. We have been doing this ministry long enough now to know that the month of a retreat is kind of a loss for things in our personal life. We give ourselves permission to let things slide because we know the grief that comes with tending to other people's grief.
Today as I was reflecting on whether or not that is the right thing to do-to let things go- and I felt God asking me to see it as a gift. When Caleb died everything stopped and nothing mattered. His death put everything into perspective and made me see what was really important-Heaven, Christ, Eternity and getting there so I could be with him. Doing this ministry and leading these retreats brings all that to the front again-nothing matters except Heaven, Christ, Eternity.
Tomorrow night I will minister to women who are broken, some of them fresh and raw with grief. And many of them will wish like I did in those early days that their only problems right now were dinner each night, laundry, a messy house or a broken garage door. But instead they will be in the pit of grief and well when you are there nothing matters.
Thank you Jesus for letting me know and for bringing me back to the fact that nothing matters-nothing but Heaven, You, and Eternity.
Please pray for us tomorrow night that the Holy Spirit would come and bring the healing power that is promised!
Today as I was reflecting on whether or not that is the right thing to do-to let things go- and I felt God asking me to see it as a gift. When Caleb died everything stopped and nothing mattered. His death put everything into perspective and made me see what was really important-Heaven, Christ, Eternity and getting there so I could be with him. Doing this ministry and leading these retreats brings all that to the front again-nothing matters except Heaven, Christ, Eternity.
Tomorrow night I will minister to women who are broken, some of them fresh and raw with grief. And many of them will wish like I did in those early days that their only problems right now were dinner each night, laundry, a messy house or a broken garage door. But instead they will be in the pit of grief and well when you are there nothing matters.
Thank you Jesus for letting me know and for bringing me back to the fact that nothing matters-nothing but Heaven, You, and Eternity.
Please pray for us tomorrow night that the Holy Spirit would come and bring the healing power that is promised!
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
One week from today!
Please pass this on to anyone who is interested and lives in central Illinois. The retreat is open to all faith backgrounds.
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Tuesday, January 21, 2014
New Envy
Thought this was a great article and something I'm still struggling with almost 3 years out from our loss:
When a New Envy Rises
When a New Envy Rises
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Joy and Sorrow
In one week's time I've followed/heard about/seen pictures of the arrival of two very precious, healthy rainbow babies, been to one baby shower, and heard about/prayed for two families who lost their babies this week. Talk about emotional roller coaster! And in the quiet times that I've had, I keep coming back to the same question, "how?" How can joy and sorrow co-exist in this world? How can one family be having their happily ever after while another just begins their worst nightmare? How, How, How? The answer is -I don't know. But I'm sure that even if I had an answer it would not help me understand any better. The truth is that joy and sorrow do co-exist. Since losing Caleb I have had felt a strong calling to do ministry in the pregnancy loss vineyard. While that is something I'm pursuing, I also have a lot of joy in my life and of those around me. At last Sunday's baby shower I spent two hours "ooooing and ahhing" over the little clothes, blankets, and shoes. Then I went home and spent time writing my meditation for our upcoming retreat-on the darkness of loss and living life without your baby. Throughout it all I keep asking God "Give me the strength to do this-to keep my heart open to joy and sorrow." Because the temptation is to lean too heavy on one end of the spectrum-become a hermit and immerse myself in the baby loss community and get stuck there. Or to turn my back when I hear of tragedies and just act like life is fine and that sorrows don't really happen. But the middle road, one that embraces both the joy and sorrow is so tricky and requires strength I never thought I would need. As we approach these final two weeks until the retreat I'm going to continue to walk in the darkness of loss and it's aftermath. But there is still joy and rejecting that would be rejecting the resurrection. Father, give me strength for both, for joy and sorrow and in the meantime, a stiff drink to go along with it!
Thursday, January 2, 2014
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