When we got married I thought that raising our children would be the hardest thing we would do. I imagined many mouths to feed, little money, and a small apartment. We've been married almost 5 years and if I've learned anything it's that the raising part seems to be easy so far. We have a house that still feels too empty, plenty of food, and money left over each month for savings. The hardest thing I've ever done is not raising my children, it's trying to have children.
I have at least a dozen posts started in an effort to talk about what it feels like to try for your second rainbow baby. None of them are good so I've just kept quiet. But after another month of learning we are not pregnant I'm feeling the need to write. It's been 6 months of trying,which by itself is not a long time. But the thing that is the hardest, and something I was not expecting, is that this time around it's like things are getting piled up on that innocent 6 months. Like the 12 months it took to conceive Caleb. Or the one dead baby that happened along the way. It's another terrible math game that my head does before I can tell it to stop.
Trying again has shown me that the disappointment from the past keeps coming up each month and attaching itself to the current disappointment of that month's non-pregnancy status. And its draining me. Each month I'm faced with the questions of my heart toward God and His plan and His will. It's tiring and this is why I was hesitant to even get back into "trying" again.
There is also more guilt this time around that comes with the disappointment. Because I have a living child. I do! And she is the best thing and she is ENOUGH. So why do I want more? Why can't I be happy with just her? I'm let down each month and then have guilt for feeling let down.
Trying to have children is the hardest thing I have ever done. And let's be real for a moment and just admit that the "getting pregnant" part is not supposed to be the hard part for us. The hard part for us is supposed to be keeping the baby alive! I just feel like it's an uphill battle with no end in sight. That's why its hard, that's why it's sanctifying and I'm sure that's one reason God is allowing this to happen. Sometimes though I'm tired of being tried. Tired of being put to the "test" in order to have the "testimony."
But after all of those sad and despairing thoughts come and go, there are also other emotions that rise to the surface. If all the past disappointments are getting piled onto current ones, then I will also say that the same is true for my trust and faith in God. Because each month that we are not pregnant and the enemy whispers all his lies,
"God isn't here, He wasn't there when Caleb died. God doesn't care about the desires of your heart. God will not show up."
Each month as those lies are whispered, I also feel the trust and faith I have in God rising to the surface. Because those are just lies and I know it. God was with me when Caleb died. He walked with me, cried with me, carried me. God's plan has been perfect in its timing and I can say that He does know what He is doing because it's through God that I was brought back to the land of the living.
I'm not sure if this current time of trying to get pregnant will turn into another longer trial, but I do know that it is showing me just how much I have grown in my walk with God since I started trying to have kids. Yes, there are old doubts and old wounds that will always be there. But I'm also experiencing faith and trust that only comes with looking back on past trials. It's easier to laugh at the enemy when those lies come because I know they are lies-my life is a witness that God has been good and He does stay close to the brokenhearted.
"And I believe I shall see your goodness Lord, in the land of the Living!" Psalm 27:13