It's hard because there is so much hope this time of year-the lent countdown to Easter has begun. We wait with Christ, suffer with Him, and then end in His resurrection. The sunshine feels so good after a long winter and the hope of Spring is so close. So much hope everywhere but all I feel is sadness. Spring to me means death, which is so backwards. I'm disappointed with the ways things turned out three years ago. Mad that I have can't have that hope in my heart because grief is so heavy this season. I'm having more sad/bad days than good days. Crying more often which leaves me feeling weak.
I don't want to be heavy with grief, but it's just there. It's like the elephant in the room just showed up. I think about Caleb more, about where I was in my pregnancy three years ago this month. At night it's taken me longer and longer to sleep because my mind can't settle down- I keep reliving all the terrible moments when we found out he died. Bitterness wells up inside of me more and more and the anxiety over every little thing is back.
I want to be done with this, and I'm disappointed in myself that I'm still not past all the terrible feelings of anger, resentment, and rage. I desperately want to be better than this grief that pulls me down and makes me wallow in self pity. I want out! But I know the only way out is to lean into it. To trudge through it again, and again and again. I'm starting to think I might never have to give another thing up for lent because this might always be my lent. Wrestling with this sadness and the other emotions this season brings up.
So for this season, I'll lean into the grief. One song that has kept me going is "Oh How I Need You," by All Sons and Daughters. It's about finding God in the seeking, in the doubt, in the unknown. It speaks right to my heart because even after 3 years I have too many questions that remain unanswered, so many doubts about God and His goodness. What I do know is that if I seek Him and bring all things to Him, that's where He'll be and that will settle my heart.
Could I ask you to pray? For me, for my husband, for us? March and April are hard months and I can pretend that I'm fine and try to handle it on my own, or I can admit my weakness. I need your prayers to get through another season without my son. Please pray for me and for all those grieving.
"Lord I find you in the seeking,
Lord I find you in the doubt.
And to know you is to love you
And to know so little else"