Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Walking With You-Week 1

Deciding to participate in Walking with you blog series for the next few weeks. I'm feeling the need to write, but can't come up with the words. Hoping this helps.

Week 1~ Introduction and Where are You Now?
Tell us a little about yourself, your baby, and how you’ve come to this walk. Also, where are you now in your grief and healing? Are you new to this, still in the depths of fresh grief? Have you been walking this path awhile?

My name is RyAnne. Daughter of a King, but lately have had a hard time feeling that. We lost our first baby, Caleb Benedict, at 38 weeks and 4 days. Perfectly normal pregnancy, no answers, just alive one day and dead the next. We conceived again just 10 weeks after delivering Caleb and brought home our first live baby last February. Abigail Therese has been a blessing to us all and helped heal my heart more than I ever thought possible.

I am now 21 months out from Caleb's death. I don't know that number like I used to. I have to count now and it seems more appropriate to say "almost 2 years," than the actual months. I feel guilty that I don't know the months like I used to, that I have to count.  

If I had to pick an emotion I am feeling right now it would be anxiety. The holidays are over (made it through-yes!) and now there is nothing to do but stare down the second birthday (or death day??) in April.    I can feel the heaviness start to creep in. And its the same feeling as last year. I just want to run away. But at the same time make everything stand still. I don't want it to be 2 years since I held him. I don't want time to move froward. Im also starting to get all worked up about our rainbow baby's first birthday. I just feel sad when I think about it b/c he never got one. Then I feel angry that every "good and happy" event since Caleb died is always mixed somehow with sorrow.

Overall, I am doing well. Just needing to balance out some of the "Christmas highs" with the sadness that is always in my heart. Lord, continue to guide me through this grief one day,one season at a time...
Hoping others participate in this:)


  1. Christmas is hard...It always surprises me how the holidays make me feel. Even Mother's day gets to me. I look forward to Walking With You the next few weeks!

  2. Hi RyAnne,

    I look forward to "Walking With You" for this series. Thank you for sharing your heart and your precious Caleb. I love his name! My daughter, Lily Katherine, was also stillborn at fullterm...I too don't have any answers. She was here one day and gone the next...

    I am glad Abigail has helped heal your heart!

    I know what you mean about feeling guilty for not knowing the months...I used to think of Lily on every Tuesday, the day she was born...then every 16th of the month, then I knew how many months she'd be, and now I only know years...she'd be 3 in March. Don't feel guilty for that...Things just change.

    I don't like the feeling of moving farther away from Lily, so I can understand that feeling. As soon as January hits, I feel the heaviness of her birthday coming up just around the corner...so far this year hasn't been as bad as in years past.

    Much love and hugs,
    Hannah Rose

  3. I can feel your love for Caleb as I read your post.... He has a great mommy. It is hard to balance the highs and lows throughout loss, and I pray that you continue to heal through the seasons.... with the peace and love of God wrapped around you.


  4. This post was so close to home in so many respects.

    Especially the alive one day and dead the next. We had a 'reason' for losing Matthew, though that doesn't make it any easier, but we didn't for Trey in April and that hurts. It's hard. There's a level of guilt even though my head knows I loved that child with all I had and wouldn't have done anything differently...but still.

    Your little Abigail is beautiful. Restored joy. I understand your gratitude for her for sure!

  5. Beautiful post! Looking forward to Walking with You <3

    Both of your children are beautiful!

  6. Ryanne, I am so sorry that Caleb isn't here with you. I remember my rainbow's first birthday, and how much bittersweetness there is to grieve how our firstborn's never got a happy birthday. But there is also so much joy covering our living children and their lives here with us.
    It's so confusing, and it's a hard road to navigate. You'd think that five years out, I'd understand it better, but I don't. I just trudge along and lean on the Lord. Much love to you and your family, Ryanne.


  7. Ryanne,

    Thank you, for sharing your heart with such honesty and for sharing your sweet Caleb with us. Both of your children are beautiful. I'm so grateful you joined us on Walking With You, and pray that it will be some comfort to know you are not walking this path alone.

    Mommy guilt is so hard...and intensifies when our child isn't with us, I think. And, so can anxiety. The anxiety that consumes my heart is too big for me, and I find myself praying through it often. Only God can soothe hurts this big. And, even then...we carry the missing until heaven. But, we are not without hope as the beautiful scripture in your header states. Because of Him, we have much hope...in a heavenly reunion...and in enough grace for the next step...the next breath while we live the best we can here.

    Praying for healing and comfort...and for sufficient grace for every step.
    So glad you are walking with us.


  8. Hi RyAnne, I've been following your blog for a while now and I love reading all of your posts. Your posts are now more comforting than ever since Nick and I just lost a baby through miscarriage on New Years Day. The grief is still very fresh and stinging, so I am finding comfort in your blog. You are a wonderful mother and I am so so sorry Caleb is not here with you. Thank you for sharing his story. God Bless you and your family. ---Mia

  9. Thank you for joining in on WWY and sharing Caleb with us. It is so devastating to lose a child. Your instinct to mother doesn't go away even though your child is not physically here. It isn't easy to parent a Heavenly child. My daughter's bday is in March so my emotions have been tender lately as wd get closer. She would be 4. <3 love to you.

  10. Much love to you on this journey. Trying to figure out how to be a parent to all three of my babies, only one of whom lives with me earthside, is so hard some days. I have to remind myself that whatever feelings I have don't diminish my love for my other babies. So many conflicting feelings, but only because we love so deeply.

  11. The holidays are always the hardest. I learned that when my brother passed away 16 years ago, and I was only 9 at the time. Praying for you to receive comfort on Caleb's birthday (No matter if he passed on this day, it is the day He was born into Heaven!). So happy to be walking this journey with you and can't wait to read more.