Deciding to participate in Walking with you blog series for the next few weeks. I'm feeling the need to write, but can't come up with the words. Hoping this helps.
Week 1~ Introduction and Where are You Now?
Tell us a little about yourself, your baby, and how you’ve come to this walk. Also, where are you now in your grief and healing? Are you new to this, still in the depths of fresh grief? Have you been walking this path awhile?
My name is RyAnne. Daughter of a King, but lately have had a hard time feeling that. We lost our first baby, Caleb Benedict, at 38 weeks and 4 days. Perfectly normal pregnancy, no answers, just alive one day and dead the next. We conceived again just 10 weeks after delivering Caleb and brought home our first live baby last February. Abigail Therese has been a blessing to us all and helped heal my heart more than I ever thought possible.
I am now 21 months out from Caleb's death. I don't know that number like I used to. I have to count now and it seems more appropriate to say "almost 2 years," than the actual months. I feel guilty that I don't know the months like I used to, that I have to count.
If I had to pick an emotion I am feeling right now it would be anxiety. The holidays are over (made it through-yes!) and now there is nothing to do but stare down the second birthday (or death day??) in April. I can feel the heaviness start to creep in. And its the same feeling as last year. I just want to run away. But at the same time make everything stand still. I don't want it to be 2 years since I held him. I don't want time to move froward. Im also starting to get all worked up about our rainbow baby's first birthday. I just feel sad when I think about it b/c he never got one. Then I feel angry that every "good and happy" event since Caleb died is always mixed somehow with sorrow.
Overall, I am doing well. Just needing to balance out some of the "Christmas highs" with the sadness that is always in my heart. Lord, continue to guide me through this grief one day,one season at a time...
Hoping others participate in this:)