Monday, January 21, 2013

Another friend

Yesterday we went to change out Caleb's Christmas decorations. I was really excited b/c we got him a new flag with his picture on it. We have been meaning to go out for the last two weeks but something always comes up and it gets pushed off. I hate that but that's the way it is. There is no real urgency with a dead child. So we bundled up and grabbed the baby and dog and headed to the cemetery. We were all in a good mood until we pulled up. Right in front of Caleb's grave was a brand new grave freshly dug for a new baby. Right when I saw it I wanted to throw up. I remember seeing the fresh dirt with Caleb's grave. It was so dirty and disheveled, not at all what you imagine a beautifully tended grave to look life. This grave looked the same way. It wasn't there a month ago when we went to visit, so the loss must be recent. The flowers from the funeral were still there, although they were long dead and turning brown.

This was such a shock for us and I don't know why. I mean, its a cemetery, people get buried there. But ours is a small one and this is the first time I have ever seen a new baby come in. Besides Caleb there are only 2 other babies there, one from the 70s I think and another from 2009. So someone "new" just seemed like something that would never happen. We spent the remainder of the time frantically taking down and putting things up in the freezing cold. To say we were on edge would be correct. Seeing how fresh that grave was just really derailed us. I came home, put the baby to bed and took a long bath and cried like I havent in a long time. I don't visit Caleb much in the winter b/c the thought of my baby out in the cold hurts too much. Last night seeing another baby now in the cold just sent me spiraling. We ended the night by praying for the parents of the baby. I hope I get to meet them someday. Until then I get a little peace knowing Caleb helped welcome a new friend into Heaven.

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