Saturday, April 21, 2012

What goes up must come down

It seems that this logic applies to grief. With Abigail's baptism, then Caleb's birthday so close together, things got really busy. Busy in a good way. And the actual day of Caleb's birthday was great- no tears. Just fun times with friends and family spent remembering a little boy who was very much loved. And the rest of the week continued that way- happy.

And then slowly the sad feeling seeped back in. I tried to ignore it at first (sad-no can't be) then tried denial (sad-who me?) then tried a last ditch attempt to use guilt to keep the sadness away (you have a healthy child, and Caleb is in Heaven-what's there to be sad about?) Alas... it still came. It's so frustrating because this ALWAYS happens and by now I should be used to it, but I'm not. It seems like when the happy times come  they just don't last long before things come crashing down again.

 Last night I finally succumbed to the sadness in the cake isle at Schnucks Grocery Store. I was there for a support group meeting (yes we meet at a grocery store, more on that later) and I needed to get a cake for Caleb's birthday. Because that's what you do at a pregnancy loss group, you bring a treat to celebrate your baby's birthday. And I hated it. Hated picking out a cake for a boy who won't eat it. Hated not knowing what characters he would want on his cake. Hated not knowing what flavor he wanted. Hated that I was putting about 5 minutes thought into the cake when we had just spent much more time and money on Abigail's baptism cake. So I held the tears back, composed myself and went with brownies. The rest of the night continued to be slowly dominated by the sadness and ended in a all out grief attack when I returned home from the meeting.

 It is Friday morning now at 10:15 and Abigail and I are still in pajamas and I have spent the morning crying over Caleb's funeral pictures. So, I guess this is the down part. I know this is a part of grief and I am trying to give myself permission to fall apart. But its still annoying, still feels weak. My hope is that as the days and years move on the up/down roller coaster of emotions won't be as intense. Maybe the happy times will last longer and the sad times will be shorter? For now, I'm just going to keep riding the roller coaster and try to hang on.

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