Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Clinging to the Light

This week has been hard. Holy week. Not the week we lost Caleb according to the calendar, but liturgically the week we lost him. In a way I have two anniversaries to grieve. He was born the Saturday before Palm Sunday. His funeral was that Tuesday- the day of the chrism mass. In the Catholic Church every year the bishop invites all the priests in the diocese to a mass to bless the oils that will be used the upcoming year (things like confirmation, baptism, anointing of the sick). Today its a year later, another chrism mass Tuesday. And I felt compelled to look at the funeral pictures we have. I haven't had the courage to look at them since we got them developed. But today I longed to remember.

And about half way through the pictures (and about a box of Kleenex) I stopped at this picture.
What made we stop was the light from the candle. The blue candle is the Easter candle. We have that candle in our home. I asked for it. I knew the last time it was lit was Caleb's funeral and also knew that at Easter the church would get a new Easter candle. The candle is currently getting part of it melted down to become Abigail's baptismal candle. Its a way for each of our future children to have Caleb's story be a part of their story. I loved this picture because I remember the hope I had when I saw that candle lit. I kept thinking "Lord, I cannot get lost with a candle that big. Everything is so dark, but that candle is big enough to overcome the darkness."

And now a year later- its still dark, but the light does overcome it. April is here whether I like it or not. In 11 days we will light another candle, a tiny one this time and welcome our daughter into the family of God. And while that is so joyful, the pictures say it all. We still lost our son. He's still not coming back any time soon. I think the upcoming anniversary has just made everything seem so permanent, the reality is sinking in that we really lost him. I know not forever, but for now, its too long. Feeling this song today as I keep trying to cling to the light in the darkness, knowing that one day I will be with Caleb again in our Heavenly Home.


  1. Your post made me cry. :( We are thinking of you and Nathan during this difficult month. If you need to talk, I'm here! Praying for you both.

  2. I have thought of this Holy Week as an anniversary for you too. Praying for you!