This week has been hard. Holy week. Not the week we lost Caleb according to the calendar, but liturgically the week we lost him. In a way I have two anniversaries to grieve. He was born the Saturday before Palm Sunday. His funeral was that Tuesday- the day of the chrism mass. In the Catholic Church every year the bishop invites all the priests in the diocese to a mass to bless the oils that will be used the upcoming year (things like confirmation, baptism, anointing of the sick). Today its a year later, another chrism mass Tuesday. And I felt compelled to look at the funeral pictures we have. I haven't had the courage to look at them since we got them developed. But today I longed to remember.
And about half way through the pictures (and about a box of Kleenex) I stopped at this picture.
And now a year later- its still dark, but the light does overcome it. April is here whether I like it or not. In 11 days we will light another candle, a tiny one this time and welcome our daughter into the family of God. And while that is so joyful, the pictures say it all. We still lost our son. He's still not coming back any time soon. I think the upcoming anniversary has just made everything seem so permanent, the reality is sinking in that we really lost him. I know not forever, but for now, its too long. Feeling this song today as I keep trying to cling to the light in the darkness, knowing that one day I will be with Caleb again in our Heavenly Home.