The 2nd birthday. Wow-2 years without him. The 2nd anniversary was a little harder than I expected it to be. You do so much grieving that first year and work so hard to get to a place where you can live again. When the 2nd anniversary approached, part of me thought "no biggie, I can handle this-a little crying, a little sadness, Ill get through it." Crying, yes, sadness, yes. But what surprised me most was the feelings of anger. I was just so angry on Tuesday. Angry that we have no memories with Caleb from the last 2 years when we should have tons. Angry that this is still our life. Angry that I didn't know how to respond when everyone asks me "what are you doing for his birthday?"
My counselor said that most parents feel the permanence of their loss more acutely on the 2nd anniversary. Yes-that is so true. It just felt so empty-like surprise its been 2 years, but oh wait nothing changed and he really isn't coming back. Last year his birthday was a time to celebrate him and making it through that first year. But this year I just wanted to stay inside and be mad. I didn't want to celebrate a baby that died, didn't want to eat cake for a dead person. It all just made me mad.
I have spent many days this past week in "the pit." That terrible place that sucks you under and makes you feel like its really impossible to keep living. The memories were all around me and the feelings were so parallel to the emotions I felt right after we lost him. Last night after watching his NILMDTS video and crying and feeling especially low, we decided to end the night with Sunday's sermon from Bethel Church. Is there any healing balm like the word of God? I can testify that there is not. Hearing the Word spoken out loud helped me clear my vision and slowly I felt myself rising from the pit. How many times will I have to learn that when I am down so low the only thing left to do is let God come to me? Sometimes I try so hard on my own to climb out of the pit and make everything better. When what I really need to do is be still and listen. Im like a flailing child who is drowning, but no one can save me until I calm down.
Today remained pretty blah, but there is a lightness. Hoping this weather gets sunny or I might be in the pit awhile longer. Right now I just want April to be over with. Thank you for all the cards, emails, facebook messages. Even though it was a sad day just knowing everyone remembers him makes it better. Thank you all for the prayers and continued support, even 2 years out!
Here is a song for you. I keep playing it and thinking of you, even though its about Jesus. Caleb, please know that " I loved you then, I love you still, I will love you til' forever passes by, from the cradle to the grave my love remains the same, you will find me by your side..." I love you!