3 Years

As I sit down to write this I can hear our noisy 2 year old singing herself to sleep to the tune of "E-I--E-I-O." 3 years ago I could only hope to hear noise from a live child coming out of the nursery. So much has happened in 3 years and so much has stayed the same.

We've survived. In those early days and weeks that is all I hoped for-that we would survive this, that our marriage would survive this. 3 years later here we are, standing stronger but still wounded. That hasn't changed, its healed to some extent but the scar will always be there.

In 3 years we have met so many baby loss families each with their own heartbreaking story. I remember how reluctant I was to join the "baby loss" community right after Caleb died. These people weren't my friends! I had friends already and I was supposed to be going to moms groups with them and watching our kids grow together. Instead I sat around tables with strangers of all ages and backgrounds and we cried.  What started off small has bloomed into close friendships. Loss is so universal and after going through it I found that I instinctively knew the language for it. Part of me knows that's why we are trying to create the ministry Immaculate Hope. The baby loss community has become "my people" and being around grievers makes me feel at home.

3 years ago I had no idea what the future would hold. I was so scared. I learned to trust God in a way I never thought I would be able to. And it was a blind trust and it wasn't all at the same time. Because God cried with me and He still walks with me in the Valley of Death. 3 years ago I had hoped for answers. 3 years later I've learned that even if I had all the answers I'd still miss Caleb just as much.

I'm so different. Part of that being different is the fact that I don't know who I am most days, but that's alright. I'm comfortable feeling lost and confused and not sure of life. The old me had to control things and have lists-I'd like to think that the new me is more flexible and not so hung up on "doing the right thing." Because if there is anything I've learned it's that sometimes you can do everything right and the world still turns upside down on you. Life isn't fair-good person or not- it can still sucker punch you when you least expect it. That knowledge makes me yearn for Heaven. Heaven is a real place now and I'm ashamed to say that even before as a Christian I don't think I really wanted to go to Heaven all that much. Sure, maybe at the very end of life, but life was great! Now it's so different with my first born being in Heaven. I feel like a part of my heart is not with me and so much of me won't be complete until we are reunited.

3 years. I really cannot fathom that I've lived 3 whole years without our son. Sometimes it still feels like a bad dream. I wonder often how I'll carry this grief and what it will look like at 10 years, 20 years, 50 years? Does it ever go away? Not sure, but part of me hopes it doesn't. Grief is love. The sadness, sorrow, rage, anger, agony, and despair I felt when Caleb died were all born out of intense love. To grieve him is to love him, and that is something I will do every day of my life, just like I'll love Abigail and any other children we have every day of my life.

I'm sad to close this space up, but I know its time. What's left to say has already been said. At 3 years I'm more focused on the living we are doing instead of the grieving. This space has been so healing for me. It's been a place to connect to other moms and families going through loss. It's been a place to sort out my emotions and document them along the way. It's been a place where I could grieve out loud. Thank you for listening, for following, for praying. You can continue to follow me onto my next blog journey Sacred Hearts, Simple Lives where I'll blog about common everyday life things.

3 years. Caleb, I had no idea 3 years ago that I had this much love for you in me. I never thought I would lose you and I never thought it would hurt this much. You've changed me forever. I'll close with the scripture verse we chose for your tombstone. It offers me hope on all days and can hopefully offer others hope as well.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You have faith in God, have faith also in Me"John 14:1

I love you sweet boy, today, tomorrow, and forever.

Now that I know

Sweet Caleb,

Now that I know what a birthday looks like for a living child, I'm sorry that I won't be able to give you that. Now that I know how your sister's face lit up when we told her we were going to Jumping Jax for her birthday, I just can't bring myself to plan anything for you. Now that I know what seeing a live child tear through presents and dive into their cake looks like, I know you will never do that.

Because Caleb, you are so different. You are our child that doesn't need birthday cake or presents or anything, anything. That's so hard for me as your mom. For your last two birthday's I've tried to make them seem like actual birthday celebrations. But now I realize that even if we have the perfect birthday for you, you will always be missing. Anything we plan will seem hollow because you won't be here to receive it.

Now that I know what actual kid birthdays are like, we are going to do your birthday different. Sweet boy know that on your birthday, and the days and months leading up to it, your dad and I will be remembering everything about you. We'll remember the precious 38 weeks and 4 days that we had you here with us. We'll remember our long drives to and from birthing class where we shared so many of our hopes for you. We'll remember the day we found out you were a boy and how happy we were. And of course we will remember those sacred 3 hours where we got to hold you, memorize your tiny body, love on you, and pray together as a family with you in our arms.

Now that I know what celebrating a birthday with a live child is like, I cannot celebrate your birthday. I cannot bring myself to be happy about April 16th. That day, along with the 14th, are the two worst days of my life because I had to say goodbye to you. Oh I know its not for forever, but it is for the next 10 years, 20 years, 60 years? That thought overwhelms me and leaves me with deep sadness.

So this year, my little guy, forgive me because I cannot celebrate your birthday tomorrow. This year we will remember you, we will pray with you, and we will miss you but celebrate is just something I can't do this year.

Now that I know what we've been missing out on,  it leaves a hollowed out place in my heart for you. One day we will all celebrate together sweet child, one day. Until then please understand that this year I cannot celebrate your birthday like a typical kids birthday, but I can remember you and love you.

Backfired Again

I heard a sermon the other day that I haven't stopped thinking about. The preacher talked about what the title of Satan's biography would be: Backfired Again. I love that. He talked about the enemy  succeeding in killing Christ but then the resurrection happens and bam-backfired again!

That theme has been on my heart all day. It's so weird re-living the actual date, April 14th, of the worst day of your life. So far I've managed to sleep most of it away. It's been a dreary, cold day which in a way is nice. There is no hiding that Caleb's 3rd birthday season has hit me harder than I expected. But what I do know is that I woke up today and I could feel God's grace moving. Like a peace and comfort that just wash over me.

Another thought that keeps running in my head is something that Nathan said a lot during our pregnancy with Abigail-we end in victory. The enemy had won on April 14th, 2011 when death took Caleb like a theif in the night. But a year later, when we baptized Abigail Therese on April 14, 2012, we felt like we had won the war.

 Backfired Again. End in Victory

Some scriptures that keep coming to mind today:

"Do not be overcome by evil, but instead overcome evil with good."Romans 12:21

"What you intended for evil, God intended for good."Genesis 50:20

"Oh death, where is your victory? Oh death, where is your sting? Death has been swallowed up in Victory"1 Corinthians 15:55-57

As we enter into Holy week, death is on my mind so much. But instead of feeling weighed down by death, like I have the last 6 weeks, I'm feel the power of overcoming death. Because each and every person who chooses to keep on living after whatever tragedy they face is kicking the enemy in the face. Satan's plans are death and destruction but like the preacher said, his plans often backfire.

I'm thankful for the grace we have been given to take Caleb's death and three years later be turning it into something positive. I can look back now over the past 3 years and say that Satan's plan did backfire. Instead of losing my faith in God, it somehow became stronger. Instead of running from Christ, I ran to Him. Instead of hardening my heart, it softened and filled with compassion and empathy.

We end in Victory, Backfired Again.

Ending this with two songs that are on repeat today. Clinging to hope even in the midst of death.

Finding Comfort in the Storm

March is hard because it's the beginning of Caleb's season. Then there is April and Easter and as my Facebook so kindly reminded me today with this add from a clothing company:

Coordinate You & Your Little Ones in Bright Matching Dresses This Mother's Day!
Mothers Day is also just around the corner. And it feels like one thing on top of another. I saw my counselor yesterday and wow-I forgot how great counselors are! She validated and reaffirmed everything I'm feeling. I think the biggest thing I've gathered from going to counseling for almost 3 years now is that they help you put words to your feelings. This is how our conversation went:

Me: I feel heavy
Her: Like you are wearing a winter coat that is drenched in water?
Exactly

Me:I don't know why but year 3 is harder than I thought it would be
Her: Most parents report that at year 3 they expected to have a more gentler experience with their grief. At year 3 most parents report having their grief be very strong in intensity, something they did not expect.
Thank you

So, yeah counseling helps, SO MUCH. The main point that I took away from yesterday's session is to try and do something each day that brings me comfort. So here is my list of a few things I've done already and some Im going to keep doing in order to get through this hard season:

-Sleep-naps, naps, and more naps. Even though I can find 100 reasons not to nap, Im going to because grief is exhausting.

-Visit with friends. One friend in particular always makes my favorite dip when I visit. I called her up recently and said "Im a mess, can I come over, eat and chat?" She of course said yes and being with her brought me so much comfort.

-Planning to go out to breakfast with the nurse that delivered Caleb next week on the 14th (the day we found out he had died). I can't explain it but being with Laura makes me feel safe and brings me comfort. Im actually looking forward to the 14th!

-Listen to favorite music

-Watch t.v. shows that have very little drama in them. So cooking shows or the Office reruns. I just need to zone out for a while

-Be around people who understand. Visiting more support groups this season, being with other grievers

-Playing with Abigail and our dog

-Visiting the hospital. So a little creepy, but honestly I find so much comfort at the hospital we delivered Caleb. And lucky for me my husband works there! So I've been planning more lunch trips to visit him or going early to pick him up. Just walking the halls and visiting the gift shop make me feel closer to Caleb. Sometimes Abigail and I go early and get a snack from the cafeteria and then look out the big windows. I can't explain it, but the hospital brings me comfort so I go there more this season.

-Im going to go back through all the condolence cards we received after Caleb died and re-reading them for encouragement.

-Reading scripture that lifts me up

Those are just a few of the things that Im doing to bring comfort. Trying to hang on while April keeps going....

Finding Comfort in the Storm

March is hard because it's the beginning of Caleb's season. Then there is April and Easter and as my Facebook so kindly reminded me today with this add from a clothing company:

Coordinate You & Your Little Ones in Bright Matching Dresses This Mother's Day!
Mothers Day is also just around the corner. And it feels like one thing on top of another. I saw my counselor yesterday and wow-I forgot how great counselors are! She validated and reaffirmed everything I'm feeling. I think the biggest thing I've gathered from going to counseling for almost 3 years now is that they help you put words to your feelings. This is how our conversation went:

Me: I feel heavy
Her: Like you are wearing a winter coat that is drenched in water?
Exactly

Me:I don't know why but year 3 is harder than I thought it would be
Her: Most parents report that at year 3 they expected to have a more gentler experience with their grief. At year 3 most parents report having their grief be very strong in intensity, something they did not expect.
Thank you

So, yeah counseling helps, SO MUCH. The main point that I took away from yesterday's session is to try and do something each day that brings me comfort. So here is my list of a few things I've done already and some Im going to keep doing in order to get through this hard season:

-Sleep-naps, naps, and more naps. Even though I can find 100 reasons not to nap, Im going to because grief is exhausting.

-Visit with friends. One friend in particular always makes my favorite dip when I visit. I called her up recently and said "Im a mess, can I come over, eat and chat?" She of course said yes and being with her brought me so much comfort.

-Planning to go out to breakfast with the nurse that delivered Caleb next week on the 14th (the day we found out he had died). I can't explain it but being with Laura makes me feel safe and brings me comfort. Im actually looking forward to the 14th!

-Listen to favorite music

-Watch t.v. shows that have very little drama in them. So cooking shows or the Office reruns. I just need to zone out for a while

-Be around people who understand. Visiting more support groups this season, being with other grievers

-Playing with Abigail and our dog

-Visiting the hospital. So a little creepy, but honestly I find so much comfort at the hospital we delivered Caleb. And lucky for me my husband works there! So I've been planning more lunch trips to visit him or going early to pick him up. Just walking the halls and visiting the gift shop make me feel closer to Caleb. Sometimes Abigail and I go early and get a snack from the cafeteria and then look out the big windows. I can't explain it, but the hospital brings me comfort so I go there more this season.

-Im going to go back through all the condolence cards we received after Caleb died and re-reading them for encouragement.

-Reading scripture that lifts me up

Those are just a few of the things that Im doing to bring comfort. Trying to hang on while April keeps going....

To nurses

Recently I met a nursing student who was doing her rotations on the labor and delivery floor. She was gracious enough to listen to my story about Caleb's stillbirth. After she left it got me thinking about the need to train nurses. Maybe they are already being trained, I'm not sure, but I do know that I would want to share the following things with them.

We were very lucky to have had GREAT nurses when we delivered Caleb. In fact the nurse that actually helped deliver him has become a good friend. She walked with me throughout Abigail's pregnancy and then came back to help with Abigail's delivery.

She was truly such a bright light in the midst of our darkness. Because of her and so many other nurses that cared for us, here is what I would tell new nursing students when dealing with a stillbirth:

- Say the baby's name. Our nurses always called him Caleb and never just "the baby." The simple gesture of calling him by name showed me that they really saw him as a person even though he was dead. I loved hearing his name and felt like they knew him too since they were all calling him by name.

-Do the "normal" things. One of our nurses wrote Caleb's weight and height on the white board just like you would for a live baby. We took a picture of it and to this day its one of my favorite things to look at. Because it was "normal." So much of our experience was not normal so to have this one little gem in writing was a big deal.

-Tell them about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Often times a nurse is bound by hospital rules and cannot inform the patients about this incredible service. That's fine-if you cannot tell them, find someone who can! Our midwife was not under the same "rules" and was able to pass along NILMDTS information to us. EVEN if you or the other nurses take pictures of the baby later on, please still call NILMDTS. These are taken by professional photographers and from what I have seen are always better than the ones taken by the nurses (no offense to the nurses, but the photographers usually have better equipment and training).

-It's ok to show some emotion. Right before Caleb was born I remember seeing a tear slide down our nurse's cheek. It meant so much that she was sad too. Obviously she kept it together during her shift so that she could do her job, but showing some emotion is never a bad thing. It made me love her all the more.

-Send them home with as many resources as you can give them. This might be your only chance to give them information on support groups, meetings, anything that can help. Even if they do not want it now, let them know that later on they may want it and send it with them anyways.

-If there is a funeral or visitation for the baby-go to it. I did not see the nurses myself at Caleb's funeral but I saw that they signed the guest book. It meant so much to me that they would go out of their way to honor my child in this way. If you can't make the funeral, sending a card in the mail is a nice gesture to let them know you are still thinking of them.

-Pray for them

Nurses have the ability to make a terrible situation a little less terrible. I'm so grateful to our nurses and each year on Caleb's birthday we bring treats back to the hospital to say thank you for the fantastic job they did helping us through. Thank you to all nurses who cry with us, help us, and walk with us through our loss.

Telling the Siblings that come after

When I talk to other baby loss moms, one thing that always comes up is "how will you tell Abigail about Caleb?" I'd thought I'd share a few things that we do to make sure Abigail knows about her big brother.

We keep his picture up, in the house and in her room. Each night before bed we say our prayers and then say goodnight to Caleb and explain that he is in Heaven with Jesus. It helps because his picture is right with her picture of Jesus.

We take her to visit the cemetery.. We bring balloons and other trinkets to put on his grave while she runs around. I feel good about the fact that a cemetery will be something she knows, not some random/scary place she visits during a funeral.

We read her this book:

You can buy it here

I love this book! Very real and sad but also gentle which is great for kids. It helps explain things with pictures that I find is very comforting as well as honest.

We talk about him and say things like "your big brother Caleb." Every so often we get out his photo book and look through the pictures and answer questions she has. Overall we just try as hard as we can to make him a part of our family. He has a stocking at Christmas, he has ornaments on the tree. My hope is that we never have to sit down and explain to her about her older brother. Instead, I'd like it to be something she always grows up knowing about with no secrets. She sees me cry because I miss him and there are days where my grief is too much so we take a pajama day and stay inside. I'm teaching her how to grieve because even though she never knew Caleb she will have to grieve the loss of her big brother. I hope we can help her navigate through that grief as the years roll on.

Abigail pushing around her "Caleb Bear" which is a 7.6 lb. bear from an awesome company called Molly Bears. They make bears for those who have lost a child and the bear weighs the same as Caleb did!

My advice for how to tell future siblings about their brothers or sisters who did not live would be to pray about it. Do something you are comfortable with. Make a way to memorialize your baby and then honor that space. Let your other children ask questions and feel comfortable talking about the sibling they lost. 

Seeing the Need

Just wanted to post a thank you to Wendy for letting us be on her show Friday. If anything it confirmed the need that is out there for healing from losing a child during pregnancy. I'm so thankful to each caller who shared their story. So many people still grieving and loving their children after so many years. Thank you all who listened and prayed for us! If you did not catch the show, here is the link to Wendy's page and you can stream our show under the show archives link!

Audio Archives

Tune IN

Tune in tomorrow (Friday, April 4) at 1-2pm CT time to hear Nathan and I tell Caleb's story on Relevant Radio. The first half hour will be our story and how we started our ministry and the second half hour will be open to callers. Pray for us!

You can listen live by going to their website:

Relevant Radio

The Beginning of the End

April 1st. Well Caleb's month is here and in a few short weeks we will be celebrating his 3rd birthday! I cannot believe he should be/would be/is 3.  So in anticipation of his birthday I'd like to start the beginning of the end. About 6 months ago God put it on my heart to wrap this blog up. God had told me to start this blog to chronicle the journey of grief. My purpose for it has always been as a ministry tool and a way to look back over what we've gone through. So I guess it seemed fitting that this space needs an end just like it had a beginning. When I first felt God pushing for an end to this space, I agreed with Him and still do-what else can I say? It still hurts, I still miss him, I'll always wonder why us? I really don't know what more there is to write about here that hasn't already been said.

I prayed about it and decided that on Caleb's 3rd birthday I would post my final entry on this space. In the 16 days from now to then, I'll be posting a few things along with some special guest posts from my husband. Even though I won't be writing here anymore, I'll still be posting updates for our ministry to our new Facebook page Immaculate Hope Ministries. And I'll be keeping this blog up to pass on as a reference to those who are going through loss. So stay tuned for just a few more posts as we count down!