Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Alone for Christmas?

We're leaving in 2 days. Up until now I haven't been anxious or nervous, just excited. But now, with 48 hours left before our trip the only thought that keeps running through my head constantly is "I cannot leave him." I hate the thought of leaving our son alone on Christmas while we will be 1000 miles away. People say "he is in your heart, he is always with you." Yes, I know that, but there is something tangible about his body, his tiny body being alone in the cemetery with no one to visit him on Christmas.

I want to get him a nice floral arrangement for his grave since we will be gone. Something that shows other people that our son isnt forgotten this season. But the problem is I have no idea what to get. I have visited a few floral shops and browsed online but there is no category for "grave for child." It is times like these that I really wish there were some sort of manual on how to parent your child who has died. I dont know what to do for him. And the truth of it all, and I am sure this is where the frustration lies, is:

I cannot do anything for him. He needs nothing. He wants for nothing. He doesn't need me.

And I hate that. Having a living baby has shown me how much a child does need their parents. Except when your child dies, they don't need you. Tomorrow we are going to his grave to visit him before we leave. Then we are planning a visit to steak n shake to eat the famous cheeseburgers that he (I) craved when pregnant with him. And back home to open gifts that we have put in his stocking that go to Abigail and the puppy. Im happy that we are finding a way to include him, but at the same time mad. It was never supposed to be like this. I want to know more about him besides the fact that carrying him made me want cheeseburgers. I dont want to guess at what he would want to give Abigail, I want to take him with me to the toy store to pick something out for her.

How could I have played a part in creating this beautiful child and then carried him for 9 months and know so little about him? How is that possible?

Missing him today a lot and wishing I knew him better, wishing I didn't have to leave him and knowing at the same time it makes no real difference to him whether he is alone or not on Christmas.


  1. Feeling your pain dear friend. I couldn't even bring myself to get something "Christmasy" for her grave. So instead we let the kids pick out something they wanted to do and they picked pink and purple flowers that they want to keep there all winter. My parents put out a wreath and in-laws did some silk Christmas flowers so that'll do. The beauty that our children are seeing in heaven far outweighs any decoration we can place on their earthly resting place.

    We always find our flowers and arrangements at Michael's if you have one of those over there.

    Wishing you peace and comfort in knowing that he is never alone. We will celebrate here because they are celebrating there.

    Loving you from afar.

  2. It was very difficult leaving Andrew at first. I almost wanted to pack him in our luggage. You always joke about doing that with loved ones... but with Andrew, I really can. :/

    Wishing you love. This is a very difficult time of year.