This is how I was feeling on Thursday when I wrote this:
This ride of grief and subsequent pregnancy has been rough. I often feel like the disciples in the boat when the storm was raging and Jesus was sleeping. So many times have I felt like Jesus was sleeping. Doesn't He know how hard this is? Why won't He make it better, make it go away? I must say that last weekend I had a big breakthrough in prayer which can only be attributed to grace. I finally felt like I had the confidence and desire to trust Jesus again, without willing it. I have felt His presence so much in the last few days. This is different than how I have felt Him in the last 10 months. Right now, I actually want Him here and can say He is leading me and I am not scared. The last 10 months He has been here, but again it felt more like He was sleeping in the boat rather than calming the storm. He is awake and the relief I feel is overwhelming.
So many people are praying for us. I get emails almost every day of another person who is praying. I had a woman an church who I barley know come up to me on Tuesday and ask how I was doing. I told her "ten more days," and immediately she said, "Oh, I am sorry, today must be hard because Caleb died 10 days before he was due." I literally had to hold back the tears. This complete stranger who I have told my story to once before remembered. She didn't try to tell me everything would be fine, she just entered into my fear and comforted me there.
Then I left mass, got in the car and on the Christian radio was a song called "the best is yet to come." I just smiled because only Jesus could know how much that phrase means to me. It was my motto while I was a missionary and I clung to it during my first year in FOCUS when it seemed like God was stripping everything from me. I have wrestled with that phrase since Caleb died because I honestly didn't believe it anymore, but I hoped I would be able to again one day. And this week I can say it and believe it. The best is yet to come.
Another moment came last Saturday night around 2 in the morning. I had had a bad Saturday night including a panic attack while we were out to eat. Overall the whole thing just left me feeling weak, pathetic, and full of anger. I couldn't sleep so I got up to pray. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would speak to me through the Word. I opened up to Baruch 4: 25- 29. This is what it said:
"My child, bear patiently the anger that has come from God upon you.
Your enemies have persecuted you, and you will soon see their destruction.
My pampered child has trodden rough roads, carried off by her enemies like sheep in a raid.
Fear not, my child, call out to God!
He who brought this upon you will remember you.
As your heart has been disposed to stray from God, turn now ten times the more to seek Him.
For He who has brought disaster upon you will, in saving you, bring you back enduring joy."
I couldn't believe those words. There are so many things in that verse that have been on my heart for the last 10 months. It was as if God was saying "I have been with you, you are not alone, I care about everything, even the little things." I am clinging to this verse this week and thankful to have found it.
Lastly, I was at the Family Resource Center yesterday renting the new Catholicism series to keep Nate and I busy this weekend. As I was checking out the lady said "I think there is another DVD you might want. I just feel like I should give it to you." I was curious so I said alright. She then hands me a movie of St. Philip Neri! That is Abigail's saint for this year! Nathan and I have yet to learn anything about Philip Neri so I was beyond excited to watch the movie. What a Holy Spirit moment. She had no idea that he was Abigail's saint and there are literally 100's of DVDs in that store.
I honestly haven't been able to leave my house this week without an encounter with our Lord in some way. I just had to share all the things the Lord is doing in my heart and thank everyone for their prayers. The storm has been raging, but He is awake now. I still am not sure if He will calm the storm or lead me into another one. I just know finally I can say it doesn't matter. He is with me and that is enough.
To all those grieving- hold out for Jesus. The storm is bad, but He is with you, even if He is still sleeping.
Sounds so great, right? And them bam......grief hit. Today is Saturday and I spent all of Friday a complete wreck. We had a sono appointment and it didn't occur to me until we were walking in that it was our last one scheduled before induction. Immediately everything came back- the fact that the last time I even saw Caleb alive was the sono they did of him just one week before he died. All I could think was "Is this the last time I will see Abigail alive?" I wanted to beg the sono lady to record the entire thing on video just in case. So I spent much of the appointment fighting those thought all the while trying so hard to concentrate on what the specialist was telling us. I am so grateful my husband goes with me to each appointment because at this point my mental state is weaning. I can only take in so much of what the doctors say and its nice to have another person there to help remember things. Especially when you see a different doctor every 3 days at this point and hear so many different opinions.
Basically, the doctors have changed plans on us again and decided that we get to make the calls. I do not feel comfortable with this because, well I am not a doctor. Overall, this whole pregnancy I have just felt a lack of anyone wanting to take ownership of our case because they are scared of it. And now, a week away to have the specialist tell you "you decide, its whatever you want," just about pushed me over the edge. I keep thinking ,"the last one DIED inside of me, clearly I should not be left in charge of this one.Someone PLEASE just tell us what to do." Instead they have laid out about 4 different scenarios and left us to choose. So we are trying to sort through things this weekend and pray about it. I feel like Christ when he was sent to Pilot, then Herod, then back to Pilot, then to the people. NO one wanted to take responsibility for him.
So this is grief. One day so good, so hopeful. The next day a complete and I mean COMPLETE mess. I didn't sleep last night at all. Woke Nathan up around 2:00 and had a breakdown begging him to get this baby out because I am convinced I will kill her. This is why I think you should never tell someone in a subsequent pregnancy "rest up, because when the baby comes you won't sleep." See, we don't sleep now, like ever. And what keeps us awake is the real possibility of death, which wears on a person night after night after night. I can honestly say I have felt Abigail move since October and haven't slept a restful night since then. So, maybe we won't sleep once she is here, but we sure aren't sleeping now either.
Please keep praying. Pray that we can figure out the best thing to do. It seems if we keep her in, we run the risk of stillbirth. If we take her out too early she might end up in the NICU and die(small chance, but statistically we have been on the losing side up until this point, so we can't help but see worse case scenarios as the only scenarios for us). Just feels like we are between a rock and a hard place. Here's hoping to a better day with some of the peace I had on Thursday coming back into our lives.........