Tuesday, February 14, 2012


10. 10 days away from induction. 10 months since I heard, " I am sorry, he didn't make it." That statement came exactly 10 days before Caleb's due date. Sitting here today, 10 days from the date of when Abigail is supposed to arrive, I am anxious My heart is heavy with these dates and the number 10. It just occurred to me that the dates are lining up. Caleb was due on the 24th but died on the 14th. Abigail is due to be induced on the 24th, and here we are on the 14th. I am fearful. I am scared lightening will strike twice. Everything feels so heavy and dense right now.

This date makes me worry about Abigail. It is also a hard one because it means I have lived longer without Caleb than with him and I don't know how that is possible. The truth is sometimes I get mad. Mad that someone who was only in my life for 9 short months has the ability to completely tear it down and force me to rebuilt it. Mad that he could have such an effect on me. Mad that he isn't here. Mad that in my mind, he is still an infant. Mad that I can't change his photos out in the frames because they never change. Mad that I can't imagine him as anything more. Mad that I don't have a 10 month old right now. That I don't even know what 10 month olds do; I don't have the milestones etched in my brain to even know what he would be doing. I never got to open the book that sits neatly in the nursery Your Baby's First Year, Week by Week.

Dates are hard. The 14th comes EVERY month and it always stings. Then there is the 16th, that also stings and the 19th when we buried him and the 24th when his due date was supposed to be. And by the time I get over all those, a whole new month starts. I am tired of the dates. Tired because our life has no dates as of right now that go past Feb. 24th. We have no plans, nothing on the calendar. It's as if we are planning for everything to stop on the 24th, but we don't exactly know if it will ever start again. 10 more days, 10 months, all of it feels like 10 years...

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