Our children change our lives, of course they do. I just never thought Caleb would change me so intensely and quickly. After he died, everything was different. I see the world now through the lens of death and loss. At times, that can be a dark lens. But it can also be a deeper, more satisfying lens. I've been busy lately and while I want to write here, I just don't know what to say or how to get the words out. Life is moving forward and even though there might have been a time when I hated that, I don't anymore. Little by little I feel like God is redeeming my whole life after loss. I've caught myself more than once this week thinking "life is soooo good!" And I honestly don't know how I got to this point! I hated life for so long, was disengaged and just surviving for so many months. But now, Im back and not just functioning, I feel like Im functioning better than before!
Caleb's life and death gave me perspective. It showed me what was really important in life. It made me slow down, way down and see what life was really about. I by no means have it all figured out, but I do think that burying a child gives you a wisdom that not everyone else has. When he died, everything in the world was bad, all the goodness drained. I relied so much on the "truth" of God because I honteslty did not see the beauty or goodness anywhere. But lately it seems like the goodness and beauty are pouring back in. And this time when they are filling up my life, they seem so much sweeter. I appreciate the little things more, the simple things Im able to do like make dinner, travel through an airport without major anxiety, give back to others instead of only receiving. There was a time when I was so broken and I guess thats why coming back together again feels so good.
I can't help but thank my son for this gift, the gift of enjoying life more deeply. His life and death gave me more depth than I could have ever counted on. Thank you, Caleb. And thank you God for being the God that can truly "turn my mourning into dancing" Psalm 30:12