Lately I find myself glancing at my calendar and sitting there in shock. I'm doing so much these days. I'm able to handle more than I have ever been able to since Caleb died. These are what I'd like to call "small victories," because to other people they seem small. But to someone who has been through grief and had their world torn upside down, doing the following things really are a big deal:
(In no particular order)
- I hosted a party, with like 15 people at my home. I cleaned, decorated, made food, and hosted. All without collapsing afterwards. In fact, I even felt rejuvenated from it!
-Decided to get a part time job. Woah! Big step for someone who quit her job after her son died because it was too much. I really didn't see myself working again, but I found something fun and small and hopefully will fit in with our schedule. It feels great to have the "professional" side of me back again.
-Booked a trip to North Dakota for whole week without my husband! Travel after Caleb has been filled with anxiety. But for some reason, I just felt like taking this trip was another step in learning to live again. I used to travel alone all the time. But since Caleb's death Ive been afraid, anxious, and overall resistant to doing anything by myself, let alone traveling. So I took the plunge and next week Abigail and I will get on a plane and fly by ourselves to North Dakota to visit friends and family for a whole week!
- Started up Bible Study this year and feel like I can actually participate. Last year it took all my energy to just show up and sit with "normal" people (non-grieving people) and try to function. But this year, I don't have to try, I just get up,drive there and enjoy the day.
Those are just some of the main things I'm doing lately, but they feel so good. I think when you have had everything taken from you, and then you start to get it back, there is a certain sweetness to it. Only grieving people can understand how much energy it takes to just function and for so much of the last 2 and a half years I have been "just functioning."
Saint Irenaeus has a quote that says, "the glory of God is man fully alive." I've been reflecting on that a lot and thinking about how much glory it brings to God when I fully live my life. Yes, God is there in the brokenness, but He never wants me to stay there. And while I will always carry the wounds of Caleb's death on my heart, just like Jesus carried his wounds after he rose, there is still a lot of life to live. I want to glorify God by living fully alive, by drinking deeply from life and being intentional with my time. Small victories which are allowing me to become fully alive and hopefully that brings God glory.