This time of Year

This time of year is hard...triggers everywhere. The thing that is harder about this year is giving into the grief and sadness. Last year I was used to crying a lot and feeling sad. This year, not so. That's why when I walk into Church lately and start crying because Im just overcome with emotion and memories, it startles me. I don't like feeling weak and crying in public always feels weak. This year is not as heavy, but its just more pressing if that makes sense? I think the anticipation this year is worse because it feels like the calendar is hitting me twice: once with holy week and all the memories that go with that and then we still have to get through April!

Sometimes Im mad that Caleb died around Easter and have so much of this holiday related to him. Other times Im glad because it gives me more opportunities to remember him. Im glad he was buried during Holy Week. Overall I know this year (hopefully) will not be as hard as last year. But its still hard and Im still not able to control my emotions like I can the rest of the year. I just wish I was planning a 2nd birthday. Instead Im looking forward to that silly Toys R Us birthday club card Geoffrey the Giraffe will send because at least that means Caleb was real (try that for my logic-Im banking on an imaginary character to confirm my son was real....grief is not logical!).

Missing you buddy! This time of year always makes me remember how excited we were for you to come, we were just about a month away! You were so loved Caleb!

 Baby Shower #1

 Baby Shower #2

Diaper Cake!

His crib all ready with clean sheets and "Cuddles" the bear