Right after Caleb died I wanted time to M.O.V.E. I was certain that if I could just get time to move then the hurting would be over. I remember telling my close friend just the day after Caleb was born "if I can just make it to a week - just get past this terrible week-then Ill be better." Ha! Little did I know what grief was like and I really thought that I could just keep pushing time forward.
Even though I tried to push time forward, it seemed to drag on, and on and on. And then Abigail was born and time moved fast. Too fast to think-with a new, live baby to tend to my time suddenly seemed swept away. I went from wishing the days to pass to wanting them back....
Which leads me to my prayer this week- I was speaking to the Lord about the hardness in my heart and the fear (still there) of another pregnancy. What is really hard for me to swallow is that the thought of having another child (God willing) would lead us further from Caleb. It all feels like we would be moving on-and I cant stand that. I dont want to move on-for once I want time to stand still. Because I'm scared to move on. Scared of forgetting him, scared of being too happy again, scarred I'll forget everything we went through and the compassion that came with it. I was telling God that I just did not want to step further away from Caleb.
And then in my heart I heard Him say, "what if its not a step away, but a step closer?" I had never thought of it that way. Yes, moving on, creating more happy memories, living life-all could be seen as steps closer to death, which will hopefully mean Heaven and being reunited with Caleb. This brought me a lot of peace.
Every step "away" from my Earthly time with Caleb is just one step closer to my "heavenly" time with him. Now that is something to get excited about!
So for all those grievers out there- maybe thinking of it this way will help. Every day you endure without your loved one is one step closer to being reunited. Instead of feeling farther away, we can start to see it as closer.