Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I forget

Sometimes I forget that our first child was stillborn. I look at Abigail's room and think "this is the best color blue, but why didn't we paint it pink?" I forget it was already decorated for a boy before it was decorated for her. I forget that I am trying to lose weight from two pregnancies, not just one. I forget that the snow globe in Abigail's room that I wind up each day during her nap was actually a memorial for Caleb. Inside the globe is a staircase and a saying about climbing the staircase to Heaven. When people ask when Abigail was born and her weight, I answer them and forget that we had to induce 3 weeks early because her older brother died. I forget that the bottom drawer in the nursery still holds all the sympathy cards we received after Caleb died. When I am with new friends, I forget that the reason we are friends is because both of our children died. I forget that I even belong to this club sometimes. I forget just how messed up this whole thing is. I forget how hard grieving is. I don't want to forget my son, but somedays its just what I do to in order to keep living. Sometimes I just forget.

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