Doubt

Doubt is common in grief. Doubt that God exists, doubt that He is good, doubt that He is in control when nothing in your life feels ordered. I think sometimes people assume since you are Christian it would be wrong to doubt. Like you wouldn't have faith if you doubted. From what I have gone through I don't think it would be human to not doubt. The doubt seems to come in waves. Lately I seem to be doubting God's plan or that He is in control of things. Early this week I learned of another blogger I follow who just lost her rainbow baby last week. The baby died of brain damage due to the mom's uterus rupturing just 6 days before her scheduled c-section. This is after she has already buried one of her children. And all I could think was "noooooooo." And the doubt came and washed over me in waves.


What kind of a God allows this to happen?


What kind of a God sits by and doesn't intervene?


Is there even a God?


If there is a God then where was He when this happened? (And looping right around in a nice, neat fashion) "Where was God the day Caleb died? Why didn't He stop that?

Ugh, the doubts. They don't stop. And so I spent a few days ignoring it all. I would look at my Bible and think "no." I just couldn't even go there right away. Part of me felt bad for even praying to a God who would allow this mother to suffer so much.

After cooling off a bit, I sat down to pray. To pour my heart out to our Lord and tell Him how angry I was. I went to confession and what I left with was exactly what I needed to hear. The priest told me "You are struggling with the fact that you aren't God."

That line has stuck with me now and I keep reflecting on it. I do struggle with not being God and being able to control things. I also struggle because when tragedies happen, I cannot fix things. And that is where the doubt comes in. If I am going to give control of my life over to someone I want need to know that He has things under control. But what about when they don't seem under control? What about when a mother losses two of her babies in just 15 months. What then?

You give the doubt back to God and submit that you in fact are not God. His ways are not our ways. That doesn't mean we have to like the plan or agree with it. I know God hates suffering, that is why He sent His only son to die a horrible, gruesome death. I also know suffering is a part of this fallen world. In the end I bring my doubts to God and realize that I do need a Savior in this fallen world. I may not like His way, but really what other way is there?

"Master, to whom shall we go, you have the words of eternal life?" John 6:68

Doubt. Its there, and I don't think its a bad thing. We have a God who passionately loves us and wants a relationship with us. He wants to know our doubts, our fears. I wouldn't be "real" if I didn't experience doubt when tragedy strikes. Death was never meant to be in the picture, its a result of original sin. So bring your doubts to God and let Him walk with you through those. It might takes weeks, months, years but He will stay with you.

Please say prayers for this family who has now had to burry both their son and their daughter in just 15 months.