Seeking

Every Advent I re-read the same book. Its by author Carol Houselander and its title is The Reed of God. It's not specific to Advent, but its a quick, short book with tons of good meditation points in it. For the last four years I have read it each Advent and always gotten something different out of it.

This year was no exception. The other day a friend was visiting and asked how I was doing with the holidays and grief. "Good," was my response and then we talked about self care and how I think that's been a big part of why I'm doing so well this year. But I kept thinking about it after she left and thinking there was more I wanted to say, but didn't have the words.

The truth is I don't know how its going. So I picked up the Reed of God and read these words from the chapter on Our Lady's Seeking:

"If you have ever loved anyone very deeply and then lost them through separation,estrangement, or even death, you will know that there is an instinct to look for them in every crowd. The human heart is not reasonable; it will go on seeking for those whom it loved even when they are dead. It will miss a beat when someone passes by who bears them the least resemblance: a tilt of the hat, an uneven walk, a note in the voice."

Those words describe how I feel this Christmas. My head knows my son is gone, but my heart is not rational. I'm still seeking him out. In the faces of 3 year old boys at the mall as they wait to sit on Santa's lap. Among the presents under the tree, looking to see if his name is on any of them. In all the Christmas cards we receive with happy,smiling families and babies. Everywhere and anywhere-my heart is still searching. It refuses to believe that another Christmas without him is here. I just want to yell "surrender, I give up!" and have the game be over and my son returned to me. I just want him here, in our home where I can see who he would be growing into. The hardest and most overwhelming thing for me is the idea of having to go through so many more Christmas seasons without him.

Sweet Caleb, I'll always be searching and seeking for you, especially during the Christmas season.

Meditating on this song-its told from the perspective of Joseph as he searches for Christ after they lost him. It feels like how I feel now searching my heart and home for my son. And of course, the answer is the same- "Why were you looking for me? Did you not know, in my Father's house I'd be?"