What a weird day. Lots of happy out there today but for those who have lost a child, there is lots of sad. We don't make a big fuss around here for mothers day or fathers day, because they were hell that first year. I remember the feeling of just trying to survive. We were out of town trying to "have fun," and get away and forget about grief (didn't work-it comes with you). I had asked Nathan what he wanted to do on Fathers Day, but he didn't know. Thats the hard part in grief-you dont know yourself, what you will want, or how you'll feel.
We knew we had to go to mass. We tried to prep ourselves for it. I asked him, "Will you stand up or not when they ask the Fathers to stand?" He said, "I dont want to stand." So I said, "do whatever you want." We sat there at mass for what seemed like forever. I watched as my husband held a little wallet size picture of Caleb in the palm of his hand all throughout mass. I fought off tears of rage, sadness, and anger. I just could not believe that this was our life-that all he had for Fathers Day was a wallet size picture of his baby. The Fathers all stood up but he didn't. I just wanted the stupid day to be over with. My family was mad at us because we weren't coming to the Family barbecue at my mom's house. But we couldn't, we were a wreck.
So thats what I think of when I think of Fathers Day. It breaks my heart every time. Thats probably why we still dont make a big fuss about it and just try to get through the day. This morning at mass I whispered to Nathan "sure is better than two years ago, huh?" And he agreed and even stood up this year holding this sweet rainbow in his arms.
Praying for all the Fathers out there without their children today and the mothers who have to accompany them through this...