Grief is not a choice

With the arrival of May I feel a lightness returning. The 2nd anniversary was harder than I thought. Having Easter so early and then having to wait until his birthday made time move reeaaallllly slow.

Now May is here and Im starting feeling my old self return. I actually want to cook dinner for my family, return phone calls, run errands, and shower. Coming out of the fog has made me realize even more that grief is heavy and when it comes to you, there really is no choice. I spent the last two months feeling weighed down, unmotivated, and emotional. During that time it's like my willpower is at an all time low or non-existent. Anxiety comes all.the.time. There is nothing I can do to stop it and my thoughts run away from me constantly.

Now as soon as my mind starts to wonder and I think about something terrible happening, I have the strength to stop it and re-direct my thoughts. I don't have that kind of strength when grief is heavy. I cant say it enough, but grief is like an illness that renders you incapable of doing your usual things.

I think my husband said it best when we finally made it through the end of April. As he reflected back on the month he said, "Next year we just need to ask more people to pray for us during this month, because we cant do it ourselves." I couldn't agree more. It's humbling to let your normal self slide away while the grief comes and makes itself welcome. I spent a lot of time staring at the wall the last two months and overall just feeling out of it. The point I want to make is- grief gives you no choice. No matter how strong you are, you cannot just suck it up and keep going. It has a way of knocking you down and keeping you down. And then magically it lifts and is gone just as quickly as it came.

So if you are grieving and feeling the weight of it-hang on. Try to ride out the storm because fighting it wont help. If you know someone grieving please understand that they have no choice. They want to get out of bed, they want to call you back, but the just cannot muster the energy. They want to be that same person, but they just aren't. Pray for them. I think it would open up a world of healing if we could be praying for others specifically during those trigger months, no matter if its been weeks, months, or years. Praying for all those struggling right now and feeling the weight of grief.