Unexpected Feelings

I've had this post rolling around in my head for a while. One of the main reasons I write here is to chronicle this grief journey with all its ups and downs. And so as Christmas drew to a close and the new year began I was surprised to be feeling- heavy?anxious?extremely fearful? panicky?I have had a few flashbacks and feel the suffocating panic take over. They literally take my breath away and I have to remind myself to breathe. And what are the flashbacks of? Abigail's pregnancy. Weird? Not anything to do with Caleb (yet really everything...). I was so confused by it all that I went and saw my counselor. She pointed out that Abigail's pregnancy had been so traumatic and that since her birthday is approach (same season, same month) all those triggers are bringing back the feelings of her pregnancy. My brain/body/emotional tank couldn't deal with much during her pregnancy and so now, even a year later, it is slowly all coming to the surface. All the fear, anxiety, etc.

Wait....So you mean I have spent all this time trying to heal from my son's stillbirth and now I have to focus on healing from my live daughter's traumatic pregnancy? Does this ever end? I asked my counselor if I could just shove it all under the rug. Her response- yes but it will just get messier!

So I am really trying to work on this. As in-I am allowing myself to remember Abigail's pregnancy when the flashbacks come. To feel the panic, to re-direct that panic and talk myself down off the ledge.  And as her birthday is now just two weeks away I feel so many things are so similar. I am remembering every detail of those last few weeks before her delivery. The fear is so close again. Sometimes before I can even reason with myself I am convinced I am still pregnant with her and she is going to die. I was terrified during that whole pregnancy. Truthfully, it is just starting to sink in that she came home alive-even though its been a whole year. I never thought she would make it, but she did.

So grief from stillbirth and then more grief intertwined with traumatic subsequent pregnancy. I really did not see this one coming, but now that it is here I am trying my best to work through it. I know in the end if we ever want to have more children then I have to deal with this. I have to bring my fear from that pregnancy (and any future pregnancies) to the Lord and really let him work on my heart.