Struggling

That would describe this week. Struggling. Struggling to get up, function, breathe, eat, sleep, live. And I saw it coming. Its hard to do a pregnancy loss retreat and not have grief show up at your doorstep once everyone is gone.  And I planned for it, even gave myself two "grief days" (which were Monday and Tuesday and well this is Thursday, so you see how well I planned...). But two days aren't enough time to make my heart less heavy. This week has felt chaotic. The weather throws me off. Since Caleb died I hate when things are out of their natural order. So 80 degrees in  late October really made me mad yesterday. Mad because I didnt have clothes to wear and either did the baby. They were already packed up with the summer stuff. How dare the weather throw us a curve ball like that. And its so little and its so stupid, but it always goes back to the curve ball we were thrown on April 14th and I just hate things when they are not ordered or planned for.

 But that's grief. And that is why its sanctifying. That is why I know without a doubt that this was my path to Heaven. Because grief strips you of everything- your plans, your reason, your functionality, your order. Its all gone. And maybe its weeks like this when I should thank God the most because they remind me all over again that I AM NOT IN CONTROL. That yes, I want to cook dinner and do laundry and be a good wife and mother. But I cant this week and really if those things were all that made up being a good wife and mother, then I would have passed that test a long time ago. This week I am struggling and I am going to offer that to God because that is all I have. A messy house, no dinner plans, dirty diapers that need washing, a short temper with my living  child and an ache in my heart for a little boy who is missing his second fall season.  And tears, lots of tears that seem to flow at the most random times. Lord, give me the grace to offer this to you.

Loving this song today