Struggling

That would describe this week. Struggling. Struggling to get up, function, breathe, eat, sleep, live. And I saw it coming. Its hard to do a pregnancy loss retreat and not have grief show up at your doorstep once everyone is gone.  And I planned for it, even gave myself two "grief days" (which were Monday and Tuesday and well this is Thursday, so you see how well I planned...). But two days aren't enough time to make my heart less heavy. This week has felt chaotic. The weather throws me off. Since Caleb died I hate when things are out of their natural order. So 80 degrees in  late October really made me mad yesterday. Mad because I didnt have clothes to wear and either did the baby. They were already packed up with the summer stuff. How dare the weather throw us a curve ball like that. And its so little and its so stupid, but it always goes back to the curve ball we were thrown on April 14th and I just hate things when they are not ordered or planned for.

 But that's grief. And that is why its sanctifying. That is why I know without a doubt that this was my path to Heaven. Because grief strips you of everything- your plans, your reason, your functionality, your order. Its all gone. And maybe its weeks like this when I should thank God the most because they remind me all over again that I AM NOT IN CONTROL. That yes, I want to cook dinner and do laundry and be a good wife and mother. But I cant this week and really if those things were all that made up being a good wife and mother, then I would have passed that test a long time ago. This week I am struggling and I am going to offer that to God because that is all I have. A messy house, no dinner plans, dirty diapers that need washing, a short temper with my living  child and an ache in my heart for a little boy who is missing his second fall season.  And tears, lots of tears that seem to flow at the most random times. Lord, give me the grace to offer this to you.

Loving this song today

Thought I'd share this

I loved this post from Angela. Thought I'd share because it's so true. This past weekend's retreat was good, just leaves me with a heavy heart hearing all the stories. It never gets easier to hear a mother tell of how her baby died. Remembering all our babies tonight.

A Mother's Love

Since October is national pregnancy loss month, I am leading a retreat for any woman who has experienced any type of pregnancy loss. You can find all the details for this retreat under the tap "A Mothers Love" at the top of this page, or click here. Please pass this along to anyone who would be interested. There is no cost and you can register the morning of.

Since when did death become cute?

As Halloween approaches I am starting to feel a tightness in my chest. Its a hard holiday mostly because I never got to dress Caleb up and do all the "fall things" that come along with the season. It is also a hard time because it seems like now it is trendy to make death cute. I got an email today in my inbox with a whole page dedicated to "cute" paper items for "the day of the dead." There were about a dozen items to choose from all resembling some sort of skull (with flowers too, of course).  Does anyone think anymore? Also, it seems that more and more I am seeing kids costumes overflowing with skeleton items. A skeleton is a dead person whose flesh has rotten away. And that is what you want to dress your toddler up as ? Ugh! I know I am more sensitive because I have a son who is in the ground and decaying as we speak. Maybe that is blunt, but its the truth. So all these skeletons and RIP decorations just make me crazy. They just feel so disrespectful to the dead. Like its all one big joke, well its not.

As a Catholic I feel like we, as in the Roman Catholic Church, do a great job of respecting the dead. After all, Halloween is originally supposed to be "all hollows eve," the night before All Saints Day.  And then on Nov. 2nd the Church celebrates All Souls Day. Masses are said all over the world for the souls of those who have died. The mass liturgy is beautiful and as a mother with a dead son I can say that the words of the mass bring me such comfort. Caleb's funeral was beautiful. I loved it (not the fact that we were at his funeral, but the liturgy itself). It was very royal and respectful and dignified-everything you would hope death would be. It was peaceful. And that is why I struggle with everything Halloween is now. Its anything but peaceful. It makes death out to be some sort of fun thing to dress up as or decorate with. It tries to make death cute. And its not. So in my book 1 for the Catholic Church 0 for the culture and their view on death, especially at Halloween.

skull masks that showed up in my email for me to buy(and these showed up on the cover of the magazine in my snail mail the next day)...

This is the candle you can buy to  go along with the skull masks...