My Lifeline

Yesterday at mass I was organized enough before hand to remember my Bible.  At a Catholic mass the readings are in a book in each pew, but I often like to have my own Bible to read Scripture from. As I was walking into mass, I felt the weight of my Bible in my hands and I flashed backed to last April, May and even some of June. My Bible was my lifeline then. I literally did not go anywhere without it. I took it with me to my 6 week doctors appointment, to the grocery store, out to dinner, to mass, everywhere.  And I don't have a small cute Bible. Its somewhat big and bulky and...... I didn't care. I didn't care if people stared at me, I was carrying around the only thing I knew (or at least hoped) could help me.

I needed to feel and hold and see a tangible reminder of God's promises, goodness, and love. Nothing in my life mirrored the things I knew- God was good, He was faithful, and He had a plan. I remember needing my Bible like I needed oxygen, I couldn't breathe without it. And for those first few weeks and then months, I lived and was sustained off of the Word of God. The Holy Spirit led me to verses that spoke exactly to my heart and my situation. For the first time in my life I clung to Scripture in a way I never had before. And it healed me, or at least got me on the road to healing. The words I read from our Lord started to mend my broken heart. They made me feel not alone, like maybe God did care what I was going through, maybe He was still with me and He did have  a plan, even if everything around me screamed chaos. 

For anyone going through tragedy I recommended saturating yourself in scripture. Let the Holy Spirit speak to you through the words. At that time in my life I didn't even have the capacity to put words together to pray to God. The words I read in Scripture helped me begin to sort things out. I was reminded as I read and re-read stories of faithful others in history that had gone before me. They had trusted God when all signs told them not to. And He was faithful then and I knew He would be faithful again. 

In a sense, I miss those days. Life is much, much, much easier these days and not nearly as dark. I have to "make" myself sit down for prayer and to open Scripture. I don't need it as desperately as I then did, don't have as much time as I did then. It was a season of my life, an impossibly hard one, but beautiful in its own way. For all you grievers out there, I hope you are holding onto hope- literally by holding your Bibles and reading and praying them daily, hourly, even minute by minute if you need to.