Anger

Anger. It's a BIG component of grief. I have never been an angry person, never struggled with anger. I don't think I'd ever even confessed that sin until losing Caleb. I have been so surprised by how much anger is caught up in grief. At first the anger took me by surprise, but not knowing grief, I thought it would be a fleeting thing, something that would pass once the first weeks and month passed. But then it stayed. I struggled with how to see my new self with all the anger I had. Struggled not to call myself a terrible sinner and horrible person. Since I had never experienced such anger before, it was so foreign to me. Like a new house guest that stays and never leaves. I had to get used to the anger, acquainted with it, and learn to live with it.

The thing I have learned with anger from grief is it comes in the most unusual forms. Like little things I am angry about, not just the big picture kind of things.  My husband was angry this week because of the diapers. He said he got angry because the diapers we are using for Abigail have been sitting in the nursery for a year, and that made him angry. I too find myself angry about random things.  I found myself pondering this morning why Caleb's death has to be labeled "pregnancy loss." It made me angry. Is there any other point in a person's life where they get termed like this? Toddler loss, teenager loss, elderly loss? Nope. Just pregnancy loss. And I get it, but as a mom who had it happen to her, I don't get it at the same time. Caleb lived inside my womb for 38 weeks and 4 days. If he were living outside my womb we would calculate the time like 9 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days. Then I get angry about that. I know people would remember a 9 month old had he passed away. I think they wouldn't be as scared to bring his name up, or show his pictures around. Think about how much life a 9 month old has lived. All the developmental changes that take place from birth to 9 months are incredible. And that is how long my Caleb was here, but it gets diminished down to "pregnancy loss." Just makes me angry.

There are things I could go on and on and on about that make me angry these days. But that's not really relevant, nor necessary. The point I am trying to make is that expect anger to be a part of the grieving process. If you know someone who has lost a loved one, expect them to be angry. Expect them to have the anger flare up at the oddest times, for what seems like no reason at all. I am trying to manage my anger. I know that anger can be a form of love. My anger since Caleb died shows my deep love for him and the injustice I feel about all of it. My counselor compares it to a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. I am angry because I don't know how else to communicate my sadness, my sorrow- and that's ok. Its just another thing I have to learn to manage. I try to take my anger to God, try not to let it effect my other relationships. I am starting to really accept the anger, make a room for it in my heart and give myself a lot of grace in the trying  to handle the anger. I have given up putting time limits on myself and when I will be anger free. I don't think that will ever happen until I am reunited with my son and have him in my arms. I have to let go of the "nice" girl persona that I used to have and be real. I am angry, but it will not dominate me. The emotion of anger can live side by side with the other emotions and that doesn't make me a bad person.

Anger. It's there.It's a part of grief. Don't be scared of it, let it come. That's my two cents on anger.

Letting things Go- Effects of Grief

Today was my last day of work. Strange because I am a teacher and most teachers do not leave their jobs at the beginning of November. The decision to leave my job was a hard one to make. Like so many things after Caleb died, I thought I could just go back to "normal." There is no normal after you lose a child, just a new kind of normal. Once I began teaching again in August I could feel the weight of it all. After much prayer my husband and I decided it was best for me to step down.

My initial reaction was to be mad and angry. After all, I never asked for my son to die 10 days before he was born. I get so angry at everything that has happened and the grief it has brought me. Truly I feel like grief has taken so much away from me. But, this is only if I choose to see it this way. I can also look at it as a new opportunity. I fully believe that anyone who is grieving will have to let go of  ALOT of their old selves, but maybe that is not all bad? No, I am not capable of teaching anymore. Physically and emotionally I am in no position to be in front of children all day and hold everything together. But, there are other things I am equipped for because of what has happened. I am starting a pregnancy loss ministry and trying to reach out to other mothers living without their children. I have faith that God will use my wounds to make something beautiful.

If you are going through the grieving process I challenge you to see the new possibilities that God is calling you to because of your situation, often the situation you did not ask for or want. If you are watching someone you love grieve, give them freedom to let go of their "old selves." I cannot tell you how much it meant to me the day I came home in tears and my husband said, "you can quit teaching right now, you don't just have to stick it out and get through it." He gave me permission to let go of the old me, even when I didn't want to.  It is so hard to leave behind teaching, so much of it was who I was. I know that God will lead me though to new things and if I choose to see it that way my load gets a little lighter.