Now that I know

Sweet Caleb,

Now that I know what a birthday looks like for a living child, I'm sorry that I won't be able to give you that. Now that I know how your sister's face lit up when we told her we were going to Jumping Jax for her birthday, I just can't bring myself to plan anything for you. Now that I know what seeing a live child tear through presents and dive into their cake looks like, I know you will never do that.

Because Caleb, you are so different. You are our child that doesn't need birthday cake or presents or anything, anything. That's so hard for me as your mom. For your last two birthday's I've tried to make them seem like actual birthday celebrations. But now I realize that even if we have the perfect birthday for you, you will always be missing. Anything we plan will seem hollow because you won't be here to receive it.

Now that I know what actual kid birthdays are like, we are going to do your birthday different. Sweet boy know that on your birthday, and the days and months leading up to it, your dad and I will be remembering everything about you. We'll remember the precious 38 weeks and 4 days that we had you here with us. We'll remember our long drives to and from birthing class where we shared so many of our hopes for you. We'll remember the day we found out you were a boy and how happy we were. And of course we will remember those sacred 3 hours where we got to hold you, memorize your tiny body, love on you, and pray together as a family with you in our arms.

Now that I know what celebrating a birthday with a live child is like, I cannot celebrate your birthday. I cannot bring myself to be happy about April 16th. That day, along with the 14th, are the two worst days of my life because I had to say goodbye to you. Oh I know its not for forever, but it is for the next 10 years, 20 years, 60 years? That thought overwhelms me and leaves me with deep sadness.

So this year, my little guy, forgive me because I cannot celebrate your birthday tomorrow. This year we will remember you, we will pray with you, and we will miss you but celebrate is just something I can't do this year.

Now that I know what we've been missing out on,  it leaves a hollowed out place in my heart for you. One day we will all celebrate together sweet child, one day. Until then please understand that this year I cannot celebrate your birthday like a typical kids birthday, but I can remember you and love you.