Struggling

That would describe this week. Struggling. Struggling to get up, function, breathe, eat, sleep, live. And I saw it coming. Its hard to do a pregnancy loss retreat and not have grief show up at your doorstep once everyone is gone.  And I planned for it, even gave myself two "grief days" (which were Monday and Tuesday and well this is Thursday, so you see how well I planned...). But two days aren't enough time to make my heart less heavy. This week has felt chaotic. The weather throws me off. Since Caleb died I hate when things are out of their natural order. So 80 degrees in  late October really made me mad yesterday. Mad because I didnt have clothes to wear and either did the baby. They were already packed up with the summer stuff. How dare the weather throw us a curve ball like that. And its so little and its so stupid, but it always goes back to the curve ball we were thrown on April 14th and I just hate things when they are not ordered or planned for.

 But that's grief. And that is why its sanctifying. That is why I know without a doubt that this was my path to Heaven. Because grief strips you of everything- your plans, your reason, your functionality, your order. Its all gone. And maybe its weeks like this when I should thank God the most because they remind me all over again that I AM NOT IN CONTROL. That yes, I want to cook dinner and do laundry and be a good wife and mother. But I cant this week and really if those things were all that made up being a good wife and mother, then I would have passed that test a long time ago. This week I am struggling and I am going to offer that to God because that is all I have. A messy house, no dinner plans, dirty diapers that need washing, a short temper with my living  child and an ache in my heart for a little boy who is missing his second fall season.  And tears, lots of tears that seem to flow at the most random times. Lord, give me the grace to offer this to you.

Loving this song today

Thought I'd share this

I loved this post from Angela. Thought I'd share because it's so true. This past weekend's retreat was good, just leaves me with a heavy heart hearing all the stories. It never gets easier to hear a mother tell of how her baby died. Remembering all our babies tonight.

A Mother's Love

Since October is national pregnancy loss month, I am leading a retreat for any woman who has experienced any type of pregnancy loss. You can find all the details for this retreat under the tap "A Mothers Love" at the top of this page, or click here. Please pass this along to anyone who would be interested. There is no cost and you can register the morning of.

Since when did death become cute?

As Halloween approaches I am starting to feel a tightness in my chest. Its a hard holiday mostly because I never got to dress Caleb up and do all the "fall things" that come along with the season. It is also a hard time because it seems like now it is trendy to make death cute. I got an email today in my inbox with a whole page dedicated to "cute" paper items for "the day of the dead." There were about a dozen items to choose from all resembling some sort of skull (with flowers too, of course).  Does anyone think anymore? Also, it seems that more and more I am seeing kids costumes overflowing with skeleton items. A skeleton is a dead person whose flesh has rotten away. And that is what you want to dress your toddler up as ? Ugh! I know I am more sensitive because I have a son who is in the ground and decaying as we speak. Maybe that is blunt, but its the truth. So all these skeletons and RIP decorations just make me crazy. They just feel so disrespectful to the dead. Like its all one big joke, well its not.

As a Catholic I feel like we, as in the Roman Catholic Church, do a great job of respecting the dead. After all, Halloween is originally supposed to be "all hollows eve," the night before All Saints Day.  And then on Nov. 2nd the Church celebrates All Souls Day. Masses are said all over the world for the souls of those who have died. The mass liturgy is beautiful and as a mother with a dead son I can say that the words of the mass bring me such comfort. Caleb's funeral was beautiful. I loved it (not the fact that we were at his funeral, but the liturgy itself). It was very royal and respectful and dignified-everything you would hope death would be. It was peaceful. And that is why I struggle with everything Halloween is now. Its anything but peaceful. It makes death out to be some sort of fun thing to dress up as or decorate with. It tries to make death cute. And its not. So in my book 1 for the Catholic Church 0 for the culture and their view on death, especially at Halloween.

skull masks that showed up in my email for me to buy(and these showed up on the cover of the magazine in my snail mail the next day)...

This is the candle you can buy to  go along with the skull masks...

Introductions and Sweet Potatoes

Introductions and sweet potatoes-two things that sent me into tears today. As fall rolls around I am finding myself involved in more and more things...which is fine, except with all those new things comes new introductions. You know- the usual- tell us your name, where you are from and a little about yourself.

 My name is RyAnne, I am from Peoria.... and that is about as far as I get. My mind races-"Do I "tell them" about Caleb? Do I not? If I do, how do I phrase it? Will they care, will they think its weird, wait its not weird, its my son. Am I making too big of a deal about it by including him? Wait, no he is my son. What if they ask more questions about him? Worse, what if they dont?"

And my mind goes in circles until its my turn to speak and I blurt out- "I have a son, he is in Heaven, and another child the Lord blessed us with, Abigail who is 7 months." I can almost always feel the silent relief of the people around me. They never expect death, so when it comes out I can feel the air being sucked out of the room, but then my rainbow baby appears and ahhhh, everything is alright again. Nothing to cure a little death than a happy live baby..... and then my turn is over and onto the next person. And I always feel awkward, I always feel like I am hiding a part of me but at the same time exposing a huge part of me. I feel vulnerable, confused, panicked, queasy, and overall just tired of explaining and feeling different.

These introduction leave me a complete mess and it frustrates me, but like all things grief I have learned to just give into them. Give into the fact that something as simple as "tell us about yourself," is enough to relocate me to the coach all afternoon and  wanting to order take out for dinner. I know its hard to understand for outsiders, but something as simple as an introduction can bring on so much for a griever.

And then the sweet potatoes- Abigail has tried them 3 times now and each time afterwards she spits up for the like next 3 hours. So, something in them doesn't sit right with her. Which is fine, but then it lead me to think "I have no idea what would upset Caleb's stomach. I have no idea what he would or wouldn't like." And that is so hard for me as a mom to him. I am his mom but I know virtually nothing about him. How is that possible? How can you grow a human being inside of you for 9 months and then get deprived of ever knowing them? How do I still not know anything new about him even though he would be 17 months old????

The rational side of me knows and believes that one day I will know him in Heaven. Its just one day seems a long time from now and this afternoon not knowing what he would like for food makes me cry. Big old ugly tears that just keep coming. So a double whammy of sorts today- introductions and sweet potatoes.......again I end with- grief is random and doesn't make sense, but boy is it real.

Fairy Tales for Hope

Wanting to promote this awesome project. I have followed this woman's blog for about a year. Her witness to her healing and just trying to live again after losing her firstborn, Hope, at 40 weeks gave me someone to relate to. For Hope's 4th birthday she started a project called "Fairy Tales for Hope." Ill let you read all about it below. The money all goes to charity to help stillbirth prevention. And the prints are super cute! Just wanted to pass this along...

Fairy Tales for Hope

So its safe to say that Im a little in love with Taylor Swift. I spent almost my whole pregnancy with Caleb driving to work everyday listening to her songs. I would tell Caleb "I know you are a boy, but its ok to like Taylor Swift songs and sing alone once you get here." It was like a little inside joke between us. Me making this BOY inside of me listen to girly girl music. 

Well today I saw this new song from Taylor Swift and the tears started flowing. She wrote it about a 4 year old boy who lost his fight to cancer. The song is from his mother's perspective. Loving this song and its lyrics:

"And its about to be Halloween, you could be anything you wanted it you were still here.."

 

Missing Caleb today...

You can buy this song on ITunes and all the proceeds go to the fight against cancer.